We’re leaving together, But still it’s farewell And maybe we’ll come back To earth, who can tell? I guess there is no one to blame We’re leaving ground (leaving ground) Will things ever be the same again?

Many know that I’m very alone and the normal things that make me happy like seeing Cassie and Joslyn and hanging out with Patrick just aren’t doing it. We approach July 17th which is my mother’s birthday and last day that she was not in the hospital. July 17th in the number 717 are tide too many things and occasions in my life being birthdays of Ex-Wives, mother among other occasions that are tied to that day and time. Having days of nothing to do and looking for what I want to do for next however long I’m on this Earth is kind of difficult when I don’t know if I want to be in Tulsa or if I want to move to Sweden or I want to going to Australia it just is very empty I don’t have anything here I mean there’s nothing here for me to take care of there’s nothing here for me to nurture there’s nothing here for me to watch over and there’s very few that watch over me. Just remember I’m a forever planner and anything that I plan will be thought through greatly and any body or anything that tries to interpret what my plan is will fail. My plan will go into effect when I want it to, and trust me if you know of my plan then it’s too late. Interpret this as a suicide note or a note of self harm or anything of the sort just say no to warning and caution to my friends and those who might stumble upon this website to not interfere and not jump to judgement quickly because jumping to judgment May trigger plans that are not in my best interest. The goal here is to move on and to leave a legacy and create a future.

I’ve not posted here about being let go from my long-time employer KOTV after nearly 15 years. I’ve been spending the last month lost and in severe depression. I’ve made it past mom dying, getting fired, Christmas, Thanksgiving, my birthday and Mother’s day mostly medicated. Approaching are her aniversery of her birthday and the start of the end of her life on Earth. Being unemployed sucks and leaves much time to think which is a dangerous thing. I’ve lost nearly everything including a friend with no explanation who helped me so much the past year. I have Pat and Cassie to keep me sane and they both have their own stuggles. Last night I chased up into deep Osage Nation Reservation and saw some great storms from a far. I don’t like chasing but the beautiful images from afar. July 1 is a date where there has to be a change. I can’t be alone anymore, I can’t continue this struggling day in and day out alone. This means more than Patrick or Cassie can provide. I guess July 1 is 16 days before mom’s birthday which she never got to celebrate as it was her last day outside a hospital. I’m not threatening harm to myself or anyone currently. Just stating that there HAS TO BE A CHANGE or I’m going to implode. I lost my mom, I’ve lost my work family, I’ve lost my faith in the church, and I’m losing my internal battle of self worth. I’m worthless and proof is everyone is surviveing without me. Work, friends, everything. July I will choose my destiny.

If you haven’t read the book or watched 13 hours worth of Netflix. I recommend you do. This series doesn’t justify the reason but shows the results of others actions and how they impact someone. I’m not making tapes or even planning on the same ending. I am however going to make those responsible know why. Ever since Saturday I’ve not been able to eat or work. I reached out a few weeks ago to get some days off to clear my head but was told no. I was put in the worst possible position Saturday as I was forced to goto a meeting and team building. An introverts nightmare. I failed everything that day. Sunday I finished tape 7-14 and was told by someone my mom claimed as a friend “your mother would want” as they only say when they need or want. No, my mother wouldn’t want me alone in the deepest of times. You failed the both of us. This isn’t my last post.

eyelid carcinoma T1 lab results.

So everyone knows I try to give most of my core friends a Birthday card.. This year I sent one that was to be delivered today but I found out that it was left behind and I couldn’t have that so… I called my Minon hotline and got a damn cake for him and his wife on their cruise. Only after he over thanked me I remember I never got a cake this year.. Nothing, because mom is dead and couldn’t bake me one or order it. Maybe I’ll be with her next birthday. Or some place the heat feels where they bake them. A

I made it to 2017 without dying. I’m very disappointed. I’m lost, My new years eve I worked 16 hours and my date skipped out to earn a few dollars. I would have payed Her to keep me from being at home alone with no mother or significant other. I need to find a drunk driver. Oh, my phone is offline.

Today I joined a coworker whom is in the same boat as myself to an extent and we saw Rouge One which is a solid Star Wars movie and had appetizers at a local restaurant that had room at the bar. We timed everything good except for a third person we had wanted to include had an overlap with remote family. The movie was great and food was filling with little to no wait for either. Was sitting here on a hill overlooking the west where soon a strong line of storms will be and remembering all the presents mom stored throughout the year under her bed. I’ve yet to breach that realm yet but remember that mom in Amarillo was our last movie theater date in 1999. Given technology and the Internet I no longer had to wait long for her to see whatever I downloaded that week. Now she went to see movies as recently as this spring with family in Ada where they show a movie drink and popcorn for $10. Mind you she was never spoiled by recliners and assigned seats or what we know know as the norm. Today could have been a bad day and I hope after this post it continues to be one of relaxed and lacks Christmas music. I hope my friend got the same effect as we struggle without our moms for the first Christmas. Now to maybe storm chase? Or maybe I’ll go curl up and finish a book or see what’s on Netflix.

This morning I gave mom’s Urn a hug and a silent prayer as I go back to bed. Lots of people offered for me to join their happy families but I’m not happy and it’s not going to rub off. I declined all offers except one where I am going to attempt to have breakfast with a coworker who’s in the same boat as myself. He is alone also for Christmas as his parents have passed. I can’t blame those who offered a place at their tables nor those who offered to spend the night have open presents. They mean we’ll and is a gracious act. I just can’t handle the emotions that come with it. Yesterday was 5 months without mom. This year’s Christmas is the toughest. Not only on me but Domino. I’ve realized since mom died she’s almost always nearby when I’m home. Ieave the door open for her to lay in the sun yet she comes and gets tangled in my dark room near my feet. If I’m baking a pizza she’s in the kitchen. It’s like she fears if she’s not watching me I’ll abandon her as I was. Yesterday ended the 5 months without a home made meal. Patrick had some chick pot pie and even tho it’s one of my least favorite things to eat I was able to pick through it. Not many have noticed I’ve been off Facebook for over a month and most don’t even know this blog exists unless they pay attention.

All I wanted was a way to forget my mom isn’t here this year and I wanted to work every shift. It seems my boss doesn’t like the idea and has placed me OFF WORK from the only safe place I know for the entire weekend. This may be the end fokes. Nail in the coffin. Not working has me sitting at home with moms Urn. It’s Christmas and a time to be thankful.. Guess I can’t be pleased. Forced to grieve and be mostly alone.