To be 100% CLEAR. This message doesn’t target a single individual. People ask me to do things and I get my hopes up and try to work them into my plans. Sometimes these are big plans that require hotel and travel or lunch meetings. I have been guilty the last 2 weeks due to a medical issue of clearing my calendar. To be fair I only had to cancel on 1 person with a few hours notice. I understand everyone has lives and children etc.. However if you chose to get my hopes up then crush them I will be hurt. I am officially giving up on trying to make plans with people. I’m tired of getting my hopes up to be canceled or crushed. I’m tired of being alone, but that seems to be how it’s ment. There are rare exceptions to this rule and those are whom I have lunch with at various times of the year. These are worked out in advance and I’ve never had these individuals cancel. I can think of 3 people and 2 are major PR representatives. I’m just sick to death of getting my hopes up and crushed. I posted a link this week where you can leave an anonymous comment to me. I have no clue who the person that said I was a fungus to KOTV and their glad I’m gone. They went as far to ask why I haven’t committed sucicide yet? Because I don’t know ow who posted it I have to take it at face value. I haven’t because I thought I had a support group of friends.

Wow, the last 3 weeks without sleep medication has been a living hell and it was finally ended last Friday. I had planned on a trip but Patrick asked me to house sit in Owasso but little did I know when I went to bed Saturday night I would be awoken to a nasty storms and 6 missed calls from very important people. Spent most of Sunday working with the tornado cleanup and search and rescue teams. I’m beat and worn out. Today I did a few things and came home to sleep. Put up a note on FB that I’ll be deactivating it soon for a few weeks. Of course I got the onslaught of fokes that don’t have this page bookmarked. This up coming week I’m hoping to go out to the canyon and relax with no internet and limited distractions. Trying to find a friend to go but that is fleeting. I need to file my will with my attorney this week since I made some changes regards to my stocks and holding of Spotify shares. I would hate them go into the wind if something were to happen to me. Will be posting more here as I get ready to dump facebook. Maybe I’ll get lucky and have a drunk barrel thru my bedroom.

Heard back from the vet and the place they use for cremation is having a remodel. So they are returning her to me and I figure a bag of Kingsford and a gallon of lighter fluid at Mohawk Park Sunday afternoon?

Private post: this morning Domino past on. (I’m sure you’re aware) I decided to take a heavy dose of a little bit of everything and get sleep. Had a rough sleep till 3P when I returned to bed to a very vivid dream of mom holding Domino in her lap outside stroking her fur. Mind you mom has never had Domino outside much less Domino want to be outside. This puts my heart at rest and a brief dream is also only the 2nd time my mother has appeared in a dream that wasn’t a flash back. I just thought I’d share this with my friends and family. Regardless of faith it seems mom and Domino are together in some sense. Going to continue to limit activities but I can’t let this cripple me. I’m so sick of constantly being in grief. 72 hours was a good policy when it was random but over 5 deaths so close together I can’t let sorrow bind me. Please continue any prayers for me if you desire. Please hope a job opening appears that I’m qualified for and thank you for being my friends.

I rescued you as you rescued me after my first divorce and together we have kept each other company till mom got sick. Even then you shared the rubs and snacks. You were always alone on storms even when you were afraid of them and I was never home. You went several months without mom and then she would be back. You realized in June she wasn’t coming back when you found her ashes on a room you weren’t supposed to be in. You were curled up with her urn. I wonder if you two were making plans? This weekend I was glad I was home sick to spend time with you as you weren’t contend till you were against my chest to hear and feel my heartbeat. How do I know? Your purring kept me awake. Last night you were very cuddly and we had a good cuddle. This morning you were having trouble breathing and I rushed you with Flashing lights and all to the vet as you are wrapped tightly in my seatbelt and I felt your last breath and go limp 1 block from the vet. I rushed you in like a heroic scene of ER to be escorted to a room to say goodbye. You may have heard we were going to take you in the helicopter when we spread mom’s ashes in a few weeks and I hope that didn’t scare you to death. But I think you will enjoy the view without the anxiety. I’m having you cremated because I couldn’t take a paw 🙂 and you will physically and spiritly join mom soon. I love you Domino, not only did I rescued you, you rescued me many times over. To the moon and back I love you and will join you two soon.

We’re leaving together, But still it’s farewell And maybe we’ll come back To earth, who can tell? I guess there is no one to blame We’re leaving ground (leaving ground) Will things ever be the same again?

Many know that I’m very alone and the normal things that make me happy like seeing Cassie and Joslyn and hanging out with Patrick just aren’t doing it. We approach July 17th which is my mother’s birthday and last day that she was not in the hospital. July 17th in the number 717 are tide too many things and occasions in my life being birthdays of Ex-Wives, mother among other occasions that are tied to that day and time. Having days of nothing to do and looking for what I want to do for next however long I’m on this Earth is kind of difficult when I don’t know if I want to be in Tulsa or if I want to move to Sweden or I want to going to Australia it just is very empty I don’t have anything here I mean there’s nothing here for me to take care of there’s nothing here for me to nurture there’s nothing here for me to watch over and there’s very few that watch over me. Just remember I’m a forever planner and anything that I plan will be thought through greatly and any body or anything that tries to interpret what my plan is will fail. My plan will go into effect when I want it to, and trust me if you know of my plan then it’s too late. Interpret this as a suicide note or a note of self harm or anything of the sort just say no to warning and caution to my friends and those who might stumble upon this website to not interfere and not jump to judgement quickly because jumping to judgment May trigger plans that are not in my best interest. The goal here is to move on and to leave a legacy and create a future.

I’ve not posted here about being let go from my long-time employer KOTV after nearly 15 years. I’ve been spending the last month lost and in severe depression. I’ve made it past mom dying, getting fired, Christmas, Thanksgiving, my birthday and Mother’s day mostly medicated. Approaching are her aniversery of her birthday and the start of the end of her life on Earth. Being unemployed sucks and leaves much time to think which is a dangerous thing. I’ve lost nearly everything including a friend with no explanation who helped me so much the past year. I have Pat and Cassie to keep me sane and they both have their own stuggles. Last night I chased up into deep Osage Nation Reservation and saw some great storms from a far. I don’t like chasing but the beautiful images from afar. July 1 is a date where there has to be a change. I can’t be alone anymore, I can’t continue this struggling day in and day out alone. This means more than Patrick or Cassie can provide. I guess July 1 is 16 days before mom’s birthday which she never got to celebrate as it was her last day outside a hospital. I’m not threatening harm to myself or anyone currently. Just stating that there HAS TO BE A CHANGE or I’m going to implode. I lost my mom, I’ve lost my work family, I’ve lost my faith in the church, and I’m losing my internal battle of self worth. I’m worthless and proof is everyone is surviveing without me. Work, friends, everything. July I will choose my destiny.