Do you ever tell people things in passing over a long period of time like.. “Oh, I’d open up all my social media if I started really getting dark” and a year later and nobody notices? Covid has made the recluse part easy. Distancing from almost everyone. I’ve not seen Cassie in over a year, Patrick 3 months, Abby 16 months. I really can’t think of the last person I hugged. Its pretty obvious nobody is missing me. Quick look at my phone other than work I’ve not had an inbound call since Jan 1. Oh, my best friend the extended car fokes check on me more than I do myself.
I have 2 choices coming up.. raise up or fall down.

“If I commit suicide, it will not be to destroy myself, but to put myself back together again. Suicide will be for me only one means of violently reconquering myself, of brutally invading my being, of anticipating the unpredictable approaches of God. By suicide, I reintroduce my design in nature, I shall for the first time give things the shape of my will.”
-Antonin Artaud

Suicide only really frightens those who are never tempted by it and never will be, for its darkness only welcomes those who are predestined to it.
Georges Bernanos

When I was writing some letters should something go south I came across an ironic explanation to why I’m still here.
– Suicide is a form of murder – premeditated murder. It isn’t something you do the first time you think of doing it. It takes getting used to. And you need the means, the opportunity, the motive. A successful suicide demands good organization and a cool head, both of which are usually incompatible with the suicidal state of mind. –
Anyone that knows me will mostly agree that I normally have a plan for everything and until that plan is fine tuned it won’t be ready to execute. I feel sorry for my friends who think I’m crying wolf or looking for attention. I don’t need attention to hold my life in the balance.
I’m setting the 2nd week of March to attempt a revamp and taking some time off to facilitate maybe starting some things over. If I get there.
I’ve not hugged a human in over a year, I’ve not kissed anyone since the knight on a white horse broke Cinderella’s heart. 1 year ago today was the last time I stepped foot in a restaurant. Now I’ve completed my Covid vaccinations I hope to find those who maybe I can share a meal with under the sun and a picnic table.
My life has stopped and ceased to move in time. I think this is worse than death. The pain, humiliation, sorrow, loneliness would cease if I just jump onto a railway or that key card I have to the roof of the BOK that’s a quick 52 floor drop. 667ft .. I would reach 141mph and fall for 6.4 seconds. What would I think about for those 6 seconds? Probably not much because currently not ready so at 4 seconds I would pull the parachute.
Time is near.

Worlds spinning fast. Desperately searching for an exit.

I’m not sure whats next. I’ve lost all hope on returning to normal.

“Aren’t you afraid of dying? Not really. I’ve watched lots of good-for-nothing, worthless people die, and if people like that can do it, then I should be able to handle it.”
-Haruki Murakami

I don’t know why but I want to give up today.

“‘You have so much going for you! You’re such a great person!’ What people fail to realize is that when I hear that, it makes me feel guilty for feeling this way and just makes the depression even worse, because I can’t get it together and appreciate what I have. It’s not like I don’t know that I have a good life. My brain is telling me I don’t deserve it.”

My biggest fear is that one day you will see me the way I see myself.