This week sucked.. So many hurt only 35 dead.. long week

So I took a look at mie time sheet before I left.

Sat 5/18 1:44a-10:57a
Sun 5/19 3p-10:20pm (4 hours) sleep
Mon 5/20 3:15a-8:45a / 2:45p-10:31p  (4 hours) sleep
Tue 5/21 3a-130p (5) hours sleep
Wed 5/22 3:30-1200 / 2p-4p

Plus I got to sped the day with a secret.

I know this is geeky but this is my pings (every 3 minutes) for the month. Pings are not GPS but only what cell tower I’m on at a given time.

months worth of pings.

Today started with me going to church without my ADDHD meds. Glad Cassie was a team player.  Church has changed since they went to 3 services every Sunday. 9,10:15,11:30 by doing this has cut 2 p&w songs and sermons seemed rushed and pastor Mike doesn’t set out of the box with a story that has nothing to do on topic; however this is what made Destiny so welcoming. We have now cycled through every service and none is longer or shorter than the other. I am really starting to look at what the church is offering fits my needs anymore?  The biggest question is “Where to look and what to look for” and will/would 1% be up for a change? She isn’t the reason I goto church but she’s a big part of why I goto “this” church.

Granted I have had a major mental load and working 13hr days are nice on paydays but hell on personal life. I talked to someone that suggested I reactivate my match.com profile and try that. My answer is I don’t like mind games. Trust me I know them all, because I’ve payed attention to my past relationships and my friends. The rule I used to have was never initiate a relationship after Nov 1 – Jan 1 then Feb 1 – June 1. Sweeps and severe weather kill dating.

I have been trying to rebuild my friends group but aside from my core friends that will be there for me but I never have anything to offer them. I only have a few to choose from. At work there are some beautiful and talented ladies but each has their downsides.

Well I found a song today that is a little of the current version of me and former version.  I posted the lyrics on FB but I’m afraid now that I have added church and not-friends from work I need to not rattle anyone and have them thinking I’m about to jump off a building.  Even though I have access to the roof of the tallest building in 3 state area.

Ok this has been my combination April – May post.

I worked my ass off and still am. However GW, Q, Root, Darin Hall, David Moten, Richard Spears, CD, Brad, Stoney, Parker, Sue, Steve Did also.. Most of us worked our 8+ and drove 12 blocks and worked past dark.. Some days I did 2a-10p however not many.

Now heres what my ID swipes say..

Nov 1-30 2012

Dec 1-31 2012

Jan 1-31 2013

Feb 1-28 2013

Mar 1-31 2013

Apr 1 – 6 2013

I’ve been at work, We have the new building and when we planned it we ordered the newist toys… Guess what happens? Shit gets newer before you install it. So now I’m having to play catchup and do severe weather. Sucks.. I was out sick 3 days this week.. Amazing I had over 4 hours of conf calls.

It’s tornado season..  really?

bah..

I have endless meetings over next few weeks and printed somewhere is a new training system schedule.

-eof

Welcome to Roxville USA..

I have had the blog locked down for the last 8 months because of my dating issue. Since then I’ve not had communication with said person since November.

So, I have removed all the passwords on old post with the exception of my old blog.. It stays locked away.
Updates:

Still Single
Still Church w/Cass & Brett #2
My big 3 year project is complete and we are in a new building and top of the line studio with all the toys I wanted.
Sleep is decent and not on any crazy meds.
Working 140+ hour paychecks has been nice.

Soo.. lots to share but my world is spinning at 500000 RPM and storm season is in #10 days. I have a few I’m interested in dating and the only problem is they are in relationships but not married or engaged. 🙂 Opening up the site may have some negative effects but life is like that.

Be safe

So as many of you might have noticed I had a time away from blogging because well it’s kind of hard to blog about life and such when one of the key actors in my story is a secret. Yes thats right a secret has kept me from posting because it’s been in the fabric of my life and everyday life until last night when such secret crossed many lines and ended up in the /dev/null category.

Rule #1 is also covered in the bible about coveting others etc. In my book it reads “Do not flirt or make any action to a married woman that could be taken as romantic” This means I can flirt all I want as long as they and their partners are aware of my intentions or lack there of.

The #1 rule I’ve always held close is that I will never do to a guy what has been done to me previously. Somewhere in the early stages of January I broke that rule and continued to suppress it until last night.

Timing is about everything and this situation had the worst because no-one wins. If this was to be tried when rule #1 wasn’t being broken then I think a happy and very satisfactory outcome would be great. I leave that option open for the future but I’m not crossing my fingers. I’ve delt with mind games from partners enough to know how to play them reverse them and be abused by them. All in all I don’t like them. Friday night was a bad night. We have just finished sweeps, I had seen MID3 with friends from church and came home to nap till 10pm. A very interesting exchange of texts were had and I figured out that I was being interrogated i.e. mind game. When I asked why etc. She claimed she was “just fishing” and was looking to see where we stood. I made a post of Twitter about this however NEVER mentioned, conveyed, pointed to this person as the subject. After the post on Twitter I received multiple txt messages that were not things you say to someone you care about but less a stranger. I went to bed turning the phone off at 1:20a.

Happy Today!

This morning I prayed about things and I wanted to talk to Cass about my choices but she’s on wedding on some island. I looked at what we had, we had coming and what was on down the road. Every scenario I ran had this “The relationship would have to remain a secret for no less than 8 months and then I would not be able to relay information I have gained and would have gained at the end of the tunnel. Now I have to say the person I could see myself happily with and the additions in the future but not without a ton of deceit. Sometime this morning I sent her a txt saying to please un-follow me on twitter, delete me from her phone and un-friend me on facebook. I in turn backed up all my TXT’s and FB stuff then deleted it off my phone and other media. I hate to do via txt but I had no other options without causing harm. The sting enough was harsh.

So After a few hours I checked and I was no longer friends with her and I don’t know if she un-followed me or not. I wish her the best.

—–

Added so I’ve been asked by 2 people so I’ll add it here. Yes she claimed to “love” me however I was/am unable to say I clearly had the same feeling and that did factor into my decision.

Oh yea this was #1 of 3 Friday the 13ths this year.

I have been having a rough job waking up in the mornings since my return I’ve cut back on sleep meds to going to bed early.. So far no dice. Friday went pretty quiet a small chase, stabbing and someone going into labor at Walmart. After the shows wrapped up I was back in my studio when one of our engineers walked in and told me I needed to catalogue every PC that was under my realm. Last count I had 38 but he wants all the goodies like machine name, MAC address, IP, how many usb ports are used and why, what keyboard or mouse interface is. etc..  This on top of re-doing the layout all due by mid week.

Friday had lunch at Hideaway with a friend and had a great conversation  and decided we needed to meet up more offen. I have so many friends that I should do lunch with. I miss a lot of my friends that all work day shifts so I can normally do. I dunno why I never do but Nichole, Lindsay, Sarah and others.. Weird. My friday night was pretty boing..

Saturday is the best day. I slept all day with several little interruptions like I had 5 pieces of pineapple upside-down cake and a full box of trix. I also some how went thru a quart of apple juice.

Sunday was pretty much planned way ahead of time I got up made sure I’d shaved and showered and got on the road about 5min late. Traffic on the BA was light so I made up that in no time flat. Got to church and this weird guy that likes to sit in front of Cassie and I was there trying to talk my ear off as I was just dropping my stuff off to goto coffee bar. Once I had returned with my hot chocolate Cassie was passing me throwing her stuff down and she was off to the line then Brett #2 grab’d a seat and we talked a bit then Cass returned. P&W today was good and I’m not a big fan of the series were in however I did enjoy a few tid bits. We decided to go see “We bought a zoo” at 11:10. The movie was pretty good and one scene showed a ton of snakes jumping at you some kid near the front row had a major freakout and was screaming. We all decided on Lone Star for lunch and believe it or not but there was NO wait. This is like a total 1st. I had a great steak with fries and apple sauce =). After lunch we all said goodbyes and I headed to downtown as they headed out toward Claremore. I had an e-mail saying a few things were not working so I stopped by the office to re-route some computers and hopefully bypass any glitches they might have had. I spent a few minutes chatting up a few co-workers I don’t get to see much then hit the road to the house with windows down and pandora jamming. I can always tell where AT&T’s towers get screwy because pandora buffers while the towers change.  I got home did some laundry and winding down. I reset my server in .se and need to fix my .bz before next week.

Welp there’s my weekend.. Enjoy

Oh, and yes I’m still pondering my steps that I take and watching the water wash away my previous steps. So I guess theres no going back. For now I’m mearly pacing the thin white sometimes very blurry line. The game is the same and the players are lined up at their starting points just waiting for the guns blast.

I posted a few blogs recently and I always find that at the start of every year I blog daily and that’s weird. Some things change over the years  I get my 1st grey hair, I spend countless amounts of time staring at code that I wrote 4 years ago and have not a clue how I did. Of course this was back when I’d code 20hrs a day and ended up starting to leave myself notes for times just like this. I miss ambien.. well no I don’t because it doesn’t even affect me anymore.

I’ve got a few projects are are growing on me and 1 of them is going to cause some scuff about access rights at work to something. I’m not picky but today I got to see the code of what they want us to use and I’m pissed because I could have coded better in my sleep but were paying this company for it’s services. argh.

Anyway I’ve gotten some feedback on 1 of my posts and really don’t know how to address them. They bring up several valid points that affect me in some ways I’d not thought about. Do I really want to sit and wait for months? I’m a firm believer that I’ll run into “that someone” but just how much do I want to invest in that? With anything comes risks and additions that would take adjustments to get used to. Rules aren’t always important to me except for a few and I’m seriously thinking about breaking one of the biggest rules. Of course I’ll have to account to myself and my friends that I’ve failed in breaking of the rule. The ramifications are numerous and will follow me to my grave. BUT will I regret the choice I make? I believe that every rule has a reason to be made, maintained and guarded. But is there really ever a good reason to break one?

I need to find a book of exceptions and exemptions to see if I can use a scapegoat that I can hide under a velvet cover and when someone criticizes me I can pull the cover and have them instantly know what my intentions and thoughts are and were at the time. I know a few people I can contact to get advice on the topic and feel them out. I’ve asked Cassie and she has shed her opinions on it and she’s cryptic but she ultimately wants me happy. The choice will be mine however I don’t known when I render that choice. Have I already broken it for thinking about breaking it?

Anyway thats enough of my mental babble today since I’m sure soon enough if not already my thoughts will vanish as a silent keystroke.

So if you didn’t know my best friend is Cassie and I kinda like to keep her around because shes always there when I need her. Some might think that there’s more to it with her but really there isn’t. I love her to death and shes the best friend a guy could have. I’ve known Cassie for about 6 years and she used to work with me and the fun hours. Back then I was attending Asbury in Tulsa and assisting their video production etc. Well after a few months of what I call abuse I decided church wasn’t fun anymore. I spent a month not going anywhere and knew god had something in store for me but if I didn’t try I’d never known. I had a friend Katie whom ran across a young adult group at a baptist church that I liked until I felt they were just a little weird and I got out of there and a few months later Katie bailed also. I seriously had no idea how to find a church I wanted to attend. I want contemporary praise and worship with a  leader and singers with the words projected not from a hymnal. There was a church called Guts I went to and I left 1/2 thru the service after feeling like it was a cult of sorts. I tried Life Church and others. I would look in the phone book or google and see when their service started and would just show up and sit somewhere and “audit” the church. After about a year of random churches here and there I was bitching about it in the newsroom and Cassie whom had only been there a few months said she was going thru the same thing with her husband Brett #1 and her friend Corina and they had found a church in southern Broken Arrow called Destiny Church and I waited a few weeks then decided to jump in and go and I was floored. This church was everything I was looking for and I had the bonus of having Cassie and her husband so I wasn’t alone. After a year or so Cassie had moved jobs and broke the news that she was moving to Texas with her husband as he took a new job. I was sad but still went to Destiny and got involved in their singles program which wasn’t much of anything. Every few weeks Cassie would show up to church for her “fix” and see family. I missed her and I was going thru some horrid issues and the only consistent thing was the church. In late 2010 Cassie came back for a few weeks to do office work where she had been working remotely. It was good to see her and go grab lunch after church and just chat about life. Sometime in late 2010 early 2011 Cassie came back and said she was back for good without Brett #1 and that they were getting a divorce. Cassie doesn’t like to push her problems on others but she opened up to me and I could see how good of an actor she really was. All thru 2011 we have had a standing date that we’d meet at 9am every Sunday and then lunch or a movie and if we really got crazy we’d eat after a movie. I think the thing about Cassie to me shes like a sister or best friend you were born to meet. Sometime in 2011 Cassie introduced Brett #2 to me and church and he would join us afterwards to lunch or movie. I don’t mind sharing Cassie but I’m protective of her. To Start off 2012 sound the bell because Brett #1 is back at our church granted we have yet to cross paths with him I figure it’s only time. Now Cassie met Brett #2 after #1 was gone so there was no wrong doing. She just has a thing for Bretts =)

I hope in 2012 that I get to keep Cassie in my life regardless the choices I make or the directions she moves in her life. I will just have to tell anyone I date seriously that it’s a package deal. Cassie has great things in her future I can just tell..

Thanks for being there kiddo.

-jc