Someone asked me if I was depressed… I honestly don’t think I am. I might have been scared but not depressed I’ve been there and know that feeling.

So today is Sunday and it just seems last week everything was all good and I was going to buy a new computer on Monday before the issues with mom. The week went into a tailspin and I don’t even remember what days I worked and what days I was even in town. It was a whirlwind trip to Ada and I saw family I’d not seen in a over 28 years in one case. I got mom home and spent the last of Saturday watching TV and winding down after the drive back home. I never realized how bad mom moms cellphone connection was until I saw all the places she didn’t have coverage over this trip. I’ve yet to really deal with me and I said in the previous post I better decompress before Monday and I’m sad to say that even after watching hours of TiVo and reading about 4 days of facebook status updates I’m still in a very blah mood. I did goto work today for a hour or so to make a few tweaks on the new systems.
I have to work in the morning and then I’m going to spend some time on the new systems before having to take mother to the surgeons office to get the “game plan”. I sure hope that its a easy and safe game plan because I don’t think I can handle a complicated situation without some form of release. I am bottling up everything and putting up 1 hell of a front but my god I need to go to the gun range sometime soon. I know I have a ton of friends that say “You can talk to me” “If you need anything” etc. But I’m a closed person way back in the dark days on my old blog you could tell I only had 2 people I could vent to. One of them I still have around and the other well isn’t in my close friends ring anymore. I really don’t have a girlfriend or close female to vent to that would give me comfort and I don’t see myself venting or breaking down to any of my male friends because I’ve got more pride then sense. I would write every thought I had on here but I’d again have to password protect it and only let certain people read it then that negates the reason for me having a open blog again. I guess I can just rant on here and say that yes I’m scared and yes having everyone telling me that they know tons of people that have gone thru the same thing and been fine has made me a wee bit better but HELLO we don’t even know what the game plan is yet. I don’t know if they are going to do by-pass surgery, stints, “roto-rooter” as its refereed to or if while were all talking about this fucking shit another clot is going to break and cause my mother to have a stroke before we even get the damn game plan. I wanted her in surgery Friday and the game plan then. I hate not knowing things if you read back the 4 years my blog spans I like to know everything and if you ask me I probably do or will make the best guess to answer. I feel sorry for my mother that says “I’m ready to die” because I know she is scared to death and I know that she has a full family she can fall back on. I’m my own. I’m not close with my family I have a cousin near my age that lives 20min away that i’ve not seen or really talked to in months. The only reason I’ve been talking to him recently is because he can help me keep the information about mom correct to the rest of the family. I don’t have any brothers or sisters to hang out with I don’t consider myself to have a father I don’t have contact with any others in my family. I have friends from work that I’ve had for years and can trust with my secrets and my issues then there are those i can’t trust with a damn thing but have to put my best face forward and make them feel special. I’m a private person and that sucks. I like it but when it comes to times like now all I can do is be on the verge of tears and type randomly on a blog that relatively no one reads. What I need is a friend that I can talk to that won’t judge me and listen to my venting thats female. The last time I broke down and talked to a guy about my issues was when I had was at my all time lowest in my life and he was a quick fix and gone. I think I scared him off because he said what he needed to and comforted me when he had to then disappeared to only be heard from when he needs something. On a random topic my itunes library got corrupted so my megga awesome suicide playlist is lost forever. If you read the blogs you know I’ve never thought of a playlist for suicide but more of my fav dark songs. Things like Nine Inch Nails, Ozzy and other nice and dark groups. I need to build mom some playlists on my ipod/iphone so she can have some tunes to listen to in the hospital (if we ever find out that). I also just remembered that if some read this they will know exactly who they are when i speak about them. Thats fine because if you recognize yourself you need to step up and be here for me or you need to get the fuck out of my way and let me implode on my own. I would think about talking to someone professionals but last time that happened it didn’t turn out well .. (Take therapist that committed suicide while I was a patient). I’m sure my troubles were not the reason because mine were just trust issues with women. I would normally re-read a post before posting it but this time I think I’ll let the raw be the raw and end with saying if you know who you are then you know where I need you and I need you now. I’d call but your working this weekend.

Well thats my rant. I work in the morning and will probably stay around to tinker with the new system before running to get mom. I’m craving a whopper with mustard and ketchup so I guess if you need me about 3:04 at BK on 15th and Harvard is where I’ll be. Now I shall take a lunesta (wheee) and attempt to sleep but with my mind running at three thousand miles an hour that will be tough. This might be an ambien kinnda night (yes I know I’m not suppose to have them but who said an addict never relapses)

Keep mom in your prayers.
-jc

Today made the choice to smuggle mother across the state to Ada where all her family lives and start letting them know face to face. Sofar 1 down and 4 or 5 more to go. The plan was to do the face to face more personal than over the phone. My aunt is cooking steaks and smells good. I’m surprised I have 3G service out here since were 10miles from the nearest small town. I don’t even call it a city. Mom seems to be sticking to our game plan and only givin what they need to know. I have told her to be on her best behavior or shes going to not enjoy the 150mile trip home tonight. I’m planning on blowing this hell hole of cellphone signal hell. Only Internet is on the iPad. I’m hoping to get her back to Tulsa or rather me back to Tulsa by Sunday. Saturday evevning if I play my cards right. I know moms scared to death and trying to put forth a strong face. Ignore my rambling of the post but hell I’m bored on a couch with not cable tv and no netflix streaming or anything. Ugh someone rescue me.

L8r friends

This last Friday mom mom mentioned that she had temporally lost vision on her right eye and was worried about it. I booked her an eye appointment on Monday morning and she went to the office at 8am and they dilated her eyes and noticed some blood behind her right eye. The Doctor told mom to impermeably to go see her normal doctor and take him the info he gave mom. Since moms eyes were dilated she was unable to drive so I took her to the doctor and she got in fairly quick. Now to have full disclosure my doctor and hers is a personal friend of mine and is very blunt and doesn’t sugar coat his diagnosis.
He recommend mom go see a cardiologist and booked her an appointment for Wednesday morning to check into Southcrest hospital about 5:45 in the morning. They got her started on IV which she had to be stuck about 5 times by 4 different people trying to find a vein. We chilled out until about 8am when the surgeon came and introduced himself and explained the procedure and how long he expected it to last. About 9am they wheeled her into the OR and I migrated to the Surgery waiting room with other families. I was there about 45 minutes before the Surgeon came in and told me that they had to go in on both sides of moms groin and arteries. The hit blockage before the “Y” where they join up to the main trunk to her heart and were not able to make it past. The doctor couldn’t make it past that point and said thats not a good situation. He left and told me I could go see mom in 5 minutes. I waited to because I was updating everyone via txt messages and twitter also facebook. At this point we were limiting information to the family members and not giving the details about the blockages and such. We went back to the pre-op/recovery room and talked with mom and compared notes on the doctors before they took her for a full body CAT scan and MRI’s on her neck. We were told they would have a game plan and she should be released around 5. Mom had a hard time because she was restricted to her bed forced to lay down keep her head down and legs flat for 3 hours. She was not a happy camper. They supplied us with some turkey sandwich and chips. I had to feed her because she couldn’t lean up. After a few hours of me playing on iPad, TXT’n relatives and delegating the information I chose to release. We reached 2pm and they finally let her sit up an checked her incisions and let her walk around. She was greatfull of that. They released us with some orders for a doctors appointment scheduled for Monday afternoon and let us go at 3pm. We never got a call from the doctors to update us on the situation. I called my doctor while he was on the golf course and he was going to let me know when he got off the course. He called in a prescription for her stop smoking meds so that we can get her to stop because thats probably what caused most of this. After a while the doctor called and said he talked to both surgeons and had some tough news. They found multiple blockages in several areas of her arteries both in her legs, heart, and carotid arteries near her neck. The comments were made that she may need several surgeries and that they would be major surgeries. The risks include strokes, loss of legs, heart attack and death. We are optimistic to what is going on. We talked to the doctor last night and he said we should have no problem taking mom to Ada where her family is and were going to break the news to them all at the same time because up till now I’m the point of contact for everyone and mom isn’t talking to the family. I’m controlling what everyone knows to make sure we don’t give conflicting stories. We should leave for Ada this afternoon and arrive there sometime this evening.

I’m worried and am taking a pill for anxiety so that is helping me keep everything under control and able to stay focused. I’m scared to death that mom might not make it thru some of these surgeries and how long she might need to be off. Bills that might pile up and how her employer will handle things. I’m glad to have a great doctor that I can call on his cellphone and answer any questions I have. I have limited people that I can release and talk to without feeling like I’m bothering or being a cry baby. I am glad to have a friend thats been in the same shoes as I’m in so I have 1 person to lean on. It sucks tho having to discuss funeral, burial and what to do with all her shit if this goes bad. Its very somber when having to talk about these things when you know there is going to be a risk. On any other time I’m sure I’d not mind talking about this. Mom has no will and her comments to me is “I have only 1 son so you get it”. O’ Joy. Anyway thanks for all the prayers and good karma being sent our way and thanks for reading my rant and my way to explain to those that don’t know whats going on and now know more than most of the family. If you are or do know my family I request you not disclose what you have read in this blog. I appreciate it in advance.

-jc

If you have any questions you can hit me up via SMS/TXT “918-814-4971” I may not be able to disclose anything on voice and if I can I’ll call you after the text. I am also monitoring AIM at “roxcomrox”

So 1 of my favorite words is discombobulate or discombobulation. I saw this pic that explains the TSA security area. This is where you get your shoes/belts back on.

I returned to work on Monday to catch-up on the previous weeks work and stuff I didn’t do on vacation. I only got 1 call from work while on vacation so that was nice.  There are a few things that went on including meeting a chick from the interwebs that was a rather interesting experience.

But for some reason in the last 6 days something has happened. I don’t know how to explain it other than its not good. My mood is all over the place and I feel as if I’m dead. I guess rather than saying all over the place as in I really don’t have a mood I normaly have some sort of a mood be happy or disconnected. I don’t know whats up and I’ve been racking my brain to figure it out. I would talk thru it with friends if I knew what to talk about. I’m a blank slate only surviving but not thriving like I was just 20 days ago. I don’t know if my meds are suddenly out of wack. I had several good days while on vacation but a few bad days. I don’t like where this mood is taking me and I don’t know how to stop it. I’ve decided if it doesn’t clear up by the weeks end I’m going to make an appt. with my doc and see what can be done. To say I’m scared and worried is a point but I’m more worried of me losing who I’ve fought to be over the last year and half. *shrug* I wish I could crank out an entire rant about how vacation sucked and I hate life but thats not it nor is it applicable to this mood. I should be talking about my run-in with a neighbor that accused me of stealing his fucking lawnmower and me having to call the cops or again the girl I met that is interesting but I just can’t. The thoughts are there but the action of putting them to the keyboard is not. I guess I did have a “rant” but thats all I know to do today.

So if you know me personally or you are one of the select few that knew about the “project” then you probably already know most of this but most likely not all.
On May 22nd I got a request/message from Julie on FB.
On May 27th I replied asking what was going on and asking her to tell her family i said hello but was more interested on why after 8 years I Was hearing from her.
On June 1st I got this reply

Hi….actually I’m kind of glad to hear from you. It is good to know that you are doing well. It has been a long time and I’m not sure I want to share much but I am glad I have this opportunity to say some things. I hope I can make amends with you about everything that happened. I know I did a lot of things and made decisions that hurt you. I know it has been a really long time and that may be the furthest thing from your mind but I hope that you can accept my apology. If not I understand, I just needed to say that so that you know I am truly sorry.

I hope your family is well also.

Well that was a change for not communicating for 8 years. I did some digging and her FB gave a lot of information that I needed and the local records run on her shows that she was divorced last year from the guy she “cheated on me with”. I found out she “likes” Celebrate recovery a christian based 12 step program and that she Liked “Souther hills baptist church” with a quick search that church hosts celebrate recovery. I wasn’t trying to ding up dirt or anything to use in a negative way more so curious.

I replied back with a fairly long reply explaining the years of (prescription) drug abuse and such I asked her a few questions like “why” “when did it go wrong” etc. At the end of the communication I advised her I had long forgiven her and wasn’t looking for that from her and I alluded to the fact I felt her e-mail was more of a canned reply that had to do with “Step 9”.

I was at a funeral on Friday June 11th when I got a rather long reply that answered several of my questions and she was honest about it. Hell even one thing she mentioned is still one of my problems up to the writing of this post. I’ll be selective about the quotes here but I’m not trying to put her in a bad light.

James,

I know that you were not looking for an apology. This is not something that I feel like I have to do. This is something that I need and want to do. “Amends” may be a recovery word, but I am being very honest when I say I want to make amends. I see this as an opportunity I have and I do mean what I say.

And now, “him”. All the sudden I had feelings for someone that I had never felt for my own husband and I could not understand what was going on or why I felt that way. It was a horrible feeling. He asked if I was happy and I couldn’t say yes without feeling like I was lying. I didn’t know what to do, my mind was consumed with it. Did I have an affair? In my heart, yes. Emotionally, yes. Physically, no, never. I didn’t lie about it then and I have no reason to lie about it now.

I can say she was honest in her e-mail and I have to take her at her word however you call it this is still cheating and the reason I filed for divorce. The last thing I’ll quote is the last paragraph of the e-mail that several people have already seen.

What have I learned from my past? The main thing I have learned is that I can’t look to other people to make me happy. That is what I have done for too long and I know I have to let my self esteem and self worth come from God. Expecting it to come from other people has just hurt them and me. I have learned that I tend to base my decisions on current feelings instead of the facts. I have learned that my selfish choices based on what I was feeling at the moment caused you unbearable pain. I can’t change what happened back then.

There ya go. I have the answers, apology and closure I needed and hopefully I’ll have another 8+ years of not talking to her. Thats the story>
What have I learned from this communication with an ex? I’ve learned I still have things to work on that she pointed out and yes this is my blog. But I’m not about to post my issues 😉 If you read my stuff and have read the archives you know my issues.

I hope that this post doesn’t put her as a bad person but a person saying sorry for bad choices. Oh yea if your wondering what I claimed as my errors in this marriage to get her replies. I didn’t give her any reasons to force this. I was never expecting the last e-mail.

WARNING Rant ahead click only if you want to read it.
continue reading "Perspective"

from my OKC fokes its in reverse so scroll down.

7:50 AM UPDATE–
Arrested were: 29-year old Tankia Huffman (DOB: 20/08/1980) on an oustanding warrant for drug possession; and 39-year old Donald Shelton (DOB: 06/02/1970) for being under the influence of a narcotic and being naked in public. Mugs sent to design

7:03 AM UPDATE–
PIO says the man was indeed naked, and possibly under the influence of narcotics. The female had a warrant out for her arrest, so they were both taken to jail. Working on names and dates of birth for mug shots.

5:15 AM UPDATE–
Scanner traffic indicates a male and female are being transported to the county jail.

5:12 AM UPDATE–
Seth rolled on this. Called it “naked man”. Waiting on the PIO to tell us if the man was indeed naked and what caused him to stop and take his clothes off.

5:00 AM–
Just before 5:00 AM, police took a call from a passerby who told them a man had stopped his car in the middle of Broadway Extension, just south of Britton Rd, and started taking his clothes off. Several police units responded, and when they arrived they found the caller blocking traffic behind the suspect who was outside his car in the middle lane. Southbound Broadway Extension was narrowed to one lane briefly as they took the man and a passenger into custody and moved his vehicle to the center median while they waited for a tow truck.

http://enidnews.com/localnews/x712216924/Storm-chasing-Its-a-mess/print
The Enid News and Eagle, Enid, OK

May 21, 2010
Storm chasing: ‘It’s a mess’

OHP seeing swarms of storm thrill-seekers

By Chris Dell, Staff Writer
Enid News and Eagle

ENID — Some Oklahomans consider storm chasing a hobby, but it is one that has become increasingly dangerous in the past few years.

The problem reached its apex Wednesday when a tornado rolled past Hennessey, and a caravan of storm chasers and onlookers blitzed through town on Oklahoma 51. The swarm of chasers was so thick Oklahoma Highway Patrol troopers shut down the road just east of town so emergency management officials and television spotters could do their jobs without interference.

OHP officials said some chasers are out to help the public or are conducting scientific research, but others are thrill-seekers who only get in the way. Some companies even offer tornado tours for thousands of dollars a week.

OHP Lt. Brad Shepherd said the situation has swelled to such a hindrance it has become a hot-button issue at OHP headquarters.

“It’s a mess,” he said. “There are way too many cars out there for all of them to be ‘official’ storm chasers. … It certainly has been a topic of conversation in our circles, and we’re going to have to address it sometime.”

Mike Honigsberg, Garfield County emergency management director, said he has called law enforcement on a few occasions to get inexperienced onlookers off the road. He is in charge of a team of spotters who alert him to trigger sirens and get people out of the path of a tornado.

“My job is public safety. Our team doesn’t do what they do to get publicity. We do it to protect the public,” he said.

Not only is the tornado mayhem frustrating highway patrolmen and emergency management directors, but also professional television storm chasers. Chris Lee, who has been a storm chaser for 33 years, many of them with Eyewitness News 5 in Okla-homa City, said impatience and reckless driving is bound to end disastrously at some point.

Lee said he now deals with anywhere between 40 and 60 other storm chasers, all trying to get an up-close look at a tornado. Lee said there have been instances where vehicles have made U-turns in traffic and stopped in the road to take pictures.

He said the recent media craze and the advent of citizen journalism has attracted spotters of all experience levels to the field.

“I definitely think it’s become worse in recent years, because now it’s the ‘cool’ thing to do,” he said. “If you said you covered severe weather 20 years ago, people gave you funny looks. Now people say, ‘Oh really? Can I come with you?’”

Apparently the thrill-seekers are not just local residents. Lee said he saw license plates from Florida, Connecticut and Alberta, Canada, as he tracked a storm Wednesday.

Regardless of where one considers home, Shepherd gave a stern warning to all the average Joes thinking about joining the already overcrowded flock of storm chasers.

“If you’re John Doe looking to chase a storm just because you want to, by gosh we’re going to stop you,” said Shepherd. “If you’re gawking around, you can stay home and gawk around in your front yard.”

Honigsberg said citizens who are interested in being a storm spotter should contact him and set up appointments to learn the ropes. He said it isn’t enough to attend a one-day training session and call yourself a pro.

He mandates each of his experienced spotters to attend yearly National Weather Service training or to attend other courses to sharpen their skills. Inexperienced spotters must go through a more rigorous training.