So today is Sunday and it just seems last week everything was all good and I was going to buy a new computer on Monday before the issues with mom. The week went into a tailspin and I don’t even remember what days I worked and what days I was even in town. It was a whirlwind trip to Ada and I saw family I’d not seen in a over 28 years in one case. I got mom home and spent the last of Saturday watching TV and winding down after the drive back home. I never realized how bad mom moms cellphone connection was until I saw all the places she didn’t have coverage over this trip. I’ve yet to really deal with me and I said in the previous post I better decompress before Monday and I’m sad to say that even after watching hours of TiVo and reading about 4 days of facebook status updates I’m still in a very blah mood. I did goto work today for a hour or so to make a few tweaks on the new systems.
I have to work in the morning and then I’m going to spend some time on the new systems before having to take mother to the surgeons office to get the “game plan”. I sure hope that its a easy and safe game plan because I don’t think I can handle a complicated situation without some form of release. I am bottling up everything and putting up 1 hell of a front but my god I need to go to the gun range sometime soon. I know I have a ton of friends that say “You can talk to me” “If you need anything” etc. But I’m a closed person way back in the dark days on my old blog you could tell I only had 2 people I could vent to. One of them I still have around and the other well isn’t in my close friends ring anymore. I really don’t have a girlfriend or close female to vent to that would give me comfort and I don’t see myself venting or breaking down to any of my male friends because I’ve got more pride then sense. I would write every thought I had on here but I’d again have to password protect it and only let certain people read it then that negates the reason for me having a open blog again. I guess I can just rant on here and say that yes I’m scared and yes having everyone telling me that they know tons of people that have gone thru the same thing and been fine has made me a wee bit better but HELLO we don’t even know what the game plan is yet. I don’t know if they are going to do by-pass surgery, stints, “roto-rooter” as its refereed to or if while were all talking about this fucking shit another clot is going to break and cause my mother to have a stroke before we even get the damn game plan. I wanted her in surgery Friday and the game plan then. I hate not knowing things if you read back the 4 years my blog spans I like to know everything and if you ask me I probably do or will make the best guess to answer. I feel sorry for my mother that says “I’m ready to die” because I know she is scared to death and I know that she has a full family she can fall back on. I’m my own. I’m not close with my family I have a cousin near my age that lives 20min away that i’ve not seen or really talked to in months. The only reason I’ve been talking to him recently is because he can help me keep the information about mom correct to the rest of the family. I don’t have any brothers or sisters to hang out with I don’t consider myself to have a father I don’t have contact with any others in my family. I have friends from work that I’ve had for years and can trust with my secrets and my issues then there are those i can’t trust with a damn thing but have to put my best face forward and make them feel special. I’m a private person and that sucks. I like it but when it comes to times like now all I can do is be on the verge of tears and type randomly on a blog that relatively no one reads. What I need is a friend that I can talk to that won’t judge me and listen to my venting thats female. The last time I broke down and talked to a guy about my issues was when I had was at my all time lowest in my life and he was a quick fix and gone. I think I scared him off because he said what he needed to and comforted me when he had to then disappeared to only be heard from when he needs something. On a random topic my itunes library got corrupted so my megga awesome suicide playlist is lost forever. If you read the blogs you know I’ve never thought of a playlist for suicide but more of my fav dark songs. Things like Nine Inch Nails, Ozzy and other nice and dark groups. I need to build mom some playlists on my ipod/iphone so she can have some tunes to listen to in the hospital (if we ever find out that). I also just remembered that if some read this they will know exactly who they are when i speak about them. Thats fine because if you recognize yourself you need to step up and be here for me or you need to get the fuck out of my way and let me implode on my own. I would think about talking to someone professionals but last time that happened it didn’t turn out well .. (Take therapist that committed suicide while I was a patient). I’m sure my troubles were not the reason because mine were just trust issues with women. I would normally re-read a post before posting it but this time I think I’ll let the raw be the raw and end with saying if you know who you are then you know where I need you and I need you now. I’d call but your working this weekend.
Well thats my rant. I work in the morning and will probably stay around to tinker with the new system before running to get mom. I’m craving a whopper with mustard and ketchup so I guess if you need me about 3:04 at BK on 15th and Harvard is where I’ll be. Now I shall take a lunesta (wheee) and attempt to sleep but with my mind running at three thousand miles an hour that will be tough. This might be an ambien kinnda night (yes I know I’m not suppose to have them but who said an addict never relapses)
Keep mom in your prayers.
-jc
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