Except I’m not taking away my exits.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8C9UfJWJ9kY

Sometimes you need to print out checklists and maps of your future. I have 72 hours starting in 23hrs.
Kinda gonna be easy to fail if there’s no repercussions.

I’m in the lost amd found bin. I need someone to help get the horrible vines off my house and cut 2 very small trees. I need someone to help me remove trash from my house. I need to be able to sleep for 8 hours when im doing back to back shifts.
I don’t need to live.

Day 6 of 10 on stretch 1 ot 2.
Really losing pace with reality. My eye sight has gone bloody south and left eye gets all blurry frequently that blinking makes ago away.
2 days ago work changed all our preferred names to our legal names and that sucked. Today it’s being fixed after several people expressed their disappointment.
Only took 3 doxipin today and I think my eyes are a symptom of not enough water in my system. At my normal office we have a water filtration system and it keeps the watter chilled. At the current location you have to trek to the customer area.
Not really sure if this is tied to my current mental state but I did changed meds sometime last month. I’ve also had semi-major side effects with doxipin, however I seem to only sleep more than 4 hours if I take it.
I’m not sure how im going to handle mother’s day. It’s gonna be a rough one im afraid.
Steve has another surgery next week and that kinda spooks me. Not only do I hate hospitals but I’m working straight thru unless its Monday or Tuesday.
Not sure who reeds this anymore. It allows me to put out my thoughts so not only documentation if I take the exit but I can look back and go “well shit, I made it past that post. What the hell did I do right?”
Stay classy.

Things still looking bleak. Starting to notice exit signs more lately. I’ve not turned the turn signals on yet but have checked blinker fluid levels.
I’ve mentioned my failing to adult to the 2 people I’d probably reach once I put the blinker on. Sadly both somewhat dismissed me as burning out from working long days in a row. I mention I can’t really do much energy wise and told to come up and visit. I feel my secondary reason to visit may overshadow the 1st answer the only way to avoid it is to take no trip at all.
Read my EOL yesterday and started making a few tweaks but removing my revengefull nature. Most of those who ruined mine are living on social security or dead already.
Got a message that Steve was going to have his heart checked today and the thought of losing him as a rock I can hold-on to would crush me to the core.
Heading to bed as its supposed to rain. Got new windshield wipers installed. Whoop

Im not doing well. Im so far behind im getting overwhelmed. I can’t catch up and I’m failing everyone because I just can’t do anything but sleep and work. Work is a giant blur. Come home and get out of breath from feeding cats. My house is overgrown even tho I have the poison and a brand new spraying jug. My air conditioner isn’t working because I can’t time when the guy can come fix it. It’s not a money thing. Ive had a big dumpster for $5 a day in my driveway over a year and it’s not being used. Ive not had an oil change in almost 15 months. I’ve not washed my car in a year. The pile of discarded food bags almost fills an entire bedroom and a blocks off a section of the house even tho I have 3,000 large contractor bags in the Amazon box. I have so many boxes I forget what is what. I have a cat I really love that may be pregnant and I want to spay her and maybe take in but the house is a wreck and I can’t spay her.
Like I said I’m broken, I’m failing, I’m lost. Im thinking that given RFK wants to put me somewhere it might as well put me on a grave.

Abby made it all the way to state and finished in her top 11 and top 3 in all her events. She did awesome and I’m so proud of her. She had a lot to overcome this season with the school not even having a pook they could use for 2 months forcing them to only goto meet with almost no pool time prior.
Abby has been doing fabulous these last 4 years of swim and I really think next year she’s going to be 1 to beat.
Kaden the boyfriend is a Senior and his last meet was last night. He did quite well also. He goes to OU next year which isn’t far away. I hope he continues to push Abby both academically and socially. Their a cute couple.
I didn’t get a picture with Abby this time but I have 1 in my mind.
Now I have a long stretch where noone is depending on me and I gave fewer people to disappoint.

With RFK threatening to take away stimulants, benzos, SSRI’s. I would rather be dead than be put in some camp. I’m losing grasp on hope. Only hope I’m finding is that something kills me before I kill myself.

Maybe the killing of UHC was just a start. I want the CEO to think about them vying over and over, day by day. We should go after their children and spouses. Make them relive the loss and hurt every day they work. Maybe then they will learn. They don’t care about your children. Now they can worry about theirs.

Today my body has been acting weird. Since 5pm and eating my stomach has acted like it’s hungry. I’ve fed it twice and still hurts. I have a tooth that’s also hurting and my body decided to purge all the waste today. Now I sit at 1230a and chest is tight with some discomfort. Ugh.