Its been 10 years ago tonight that you fell and I couldn’t get you up on my own. 2 firefighters and a paramedic were able to get you up but you were so weak that you couldn’t stand. That night was your last night at home. Several things have in the last month changed. The dishes that sat for nearly 10 years are out of the sink. Your coffee pot was put into a box and sent away. Over the next few weeks you were hospitalized and I’m really not sure how many wings or rooms we were in but I rarely left your side mom. I never thought after all these events would a dehydration issue take you forever away from the home you kept for me.
I’m about to get fired because I’m out of shape and probably have cardiac issues causing it. I’m not just fat anymore.
I’m not sure I want to live anymore really.

Last Tursday night while crossing with Josh that I was feeling really down and to summery if I quit or get fired I’d really have nothing to really be a goal. Last Friday (not kost recent) I get my phone blown up with my boss saying I need to contact HR. I reached out and the HR guys I spoke to were fairly worried and saying ita not something to be worried about. Every communication from my boss says “call hr” guess today I’ll reaxh out. I’m so much the the negative that I have about 2 months before I go dark.
I’m also documenting my brain relapses and zaps again. I’m not skipping any meds amd after speaking with my Psychiatrist and a work provided online self help center about both.
Tomorrow I’ll reach out to the HR and Employee Relations

You know that feeling?
When you’re just waiting.
Waiting to get home, into your room,
close the door, fall into bed,
and just let everything out that you kept in all day.
That feeling of both relief and desperation.
Nothing is wrong.
But nothing is right either.
And you’re tired.
Tired of everything, tired of nothing.
And you just want someone to
be there and tell you it’s okay.
But no one’s going to be there.
And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you.
But you’re tired of waiting.
Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong.
And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved.
But you know you won’t be.
But you’re still hoping.
And you’re still wishing.
And you’re still staying strong and fighting,
with tears in your eyes.
You’re fighting.

Beginning to think what some say is a “good fight” isn’t really that good. Josh had been helping me survive. Joe is pushing me close to a proverbial cliff. I tried to reach out to a few people but it seems everyone is not answering or going to bed already. (Started reaching out at 10p and its 3a). I have 4 more hours to try to fail. I’ll do what I know how to then try again.
I’m really grasping. All house bills are paid, car is paid. Owe about 6k to county for delinquent tax and then no liens. Car is free and clear with 2 new tires. Abby graduating Monday is the only reason I’m breathing right now. After then all bets are off I’m thinking.

Failed a task after honest tries. I have failed again with work. I feel like a failure overall. Man, thr Lexapro has been keeping mood level but even with Lexapro i just wish I’d not have woken up with the hallway was on fire.

Not a clue..

From 911 call to the Calvary getting here was 10min from when I dialed 911 to firefighters kicking me to the driveway. They did check on me as I was a bit smokey. I cant say this enough. Get a fire extinguisher. My $20 investment 5 years or so ago saved my ass. No smoke damage, no water damage, and limited cosmetic damage. They did however shred several trash bags of shit so my area looks like a bomb went off.
They were gone in 45min packing up their hoses and certifying my hot water tank had seen its last day.

Then I thought about getting a vape pen. A hot water tank went poof..
<drive.google.com/file/d/1Bm1ztqPX2jugrKHmH_m1ExrSLD6Aoyrw/view?usp=drivesdk> 1000085805.jpg <drive.google.com/file/d/1Bm1ztqPX2jugrKHmH_m1ExrSLD6Aoyrw/view?usp=drivesdk>

Today I took a massive (in girth) shit and OMG I swear it got me high afterwards. Not as in oder but released some chemistry in body. Anyway if this is the worst im posting than ok?
I’ll not bore you with me collapsing twice last weekend and the massive bruises I’ve gotten. I’m not sure if I’m OK but I got to watch abby cap off her senior swm years with state runners up for girls and 7th in 100m breaststroke in the state.