Heard back from the vet and the place they use for cremation is having a remodel. So they are returning her to me and I figure a bag of Kingsford and a gallon of lighter fluid at Mohawk Park Sunday afternoon?

Private post: this morning Domino past on. (I’m sure you’re aware) I decided to take a heavy dose of a little bit of everything and get sleep. Had a rough sleep till 3P when I returned to bed to a very vivid dream of mom holding Domino in her lap outside stroking her fur. Mind you mom has never had Domino outside much less Domino want to be outside. This puts my heart at rest and a brief dream is also only the 2nd time my mother has appeared in a dream that wasn’t a flash back. I just thought I’d share this with my friends and family. Regardless of faith it seems mom and Domino are together in some sense. Going to continue to limit activities but I can’t let this cripple me. I’m so sick of constantly being in grief. 72 hours was a good policy when it was random but over 5 deaths so close together I can’t let sorrow bind me. Please continue any prayers for me if you desire. Please hope a job opening appears that I’m qualified for and thank you for being my friends.

I rescued you as you rescued me after my first divorce and together we have kept each other company till mom got sick. Even then you shared the rubs and snacks. You were always alone on storms even when you were afraid of them and I was never home. You went several months without mom and then she would be back. You realized in June she wasn’t coming back when you found her ashes on a room you weren’t supposed to be in. You were curled up with her urn. I wonder if you two were making plans? This weekend I was glad I was home sick to spend time with you as you weren’t contend till you were against my chest to hear and feel my heartbeat. How do I know? Your purring kept me awake. Last night you were very cuddly and we had a good cuddle. This morning you were having trouble breathing and I rushed you with Flashing lights and all to the vet as you are wrapped tightly in my seatbelt and I felt your last breath and go limp 1 block from the vet. I rushed you in like a heroic scene of ER to be escorted to a room to say goodbye. You may have heard we were going to take you in the helicopter when we spread mom’s ashes in a few weeks and I hope that didn’t scare you to death. But I think you will enjoy the view without the anxiety. I’m having you cremated because I couldn’t take a paw 🙂 and you will physically and spiritly join mom soon. I love you Domino, not only did I rescued you, you rescued me many times over. To the moon and back I love you and will join you two soon.

We’re leaving together, But still it’s farewell And maybe we’ll come back To earth, who can tell? I guess there is no one to blame We’re leaving ground (leaving ground) Will things ever be the same again?

Many know that I’m very alone and the normal things that make me happy like seeing Cassie and Joslyn and hanging out with Patrick just aren’t doing it. We approach July 17th which is my mother’s birthday and last day that she was not in the hospital. July 17th in the number 717 are tide too many things and occasions in my life being birthdays of Ex-Wives, mother among other occasions that are tied to that day and time. Having days of nothing to do and looking for what I want to do for next however long I’m on this Earth is kind of difficult when I don’t know if I want to be in Tulsa or if I want to move to Sweden or I want to going to Australia it just is very empty I don’t have anything here I mean there’s nothing here for me to take care of there’s nothing here for me to nurture there’s nothing here for me to watch over and there’s very few that watch over me. Just remember I’m a forever planner and anything that I plan will be thought through greatly and any body or anything that tries to interpret what my plan is will fail. My plan will go into effect when I want it to, and trust me if you know of my plan then it’s too late. Interpret this as a suicide note or a note of self harm or anything of the sort just say no to warning and caution to my friends and those who might stumble upon this website to not interfere and not jump to judgement quickly because jumping to judgment May trigger plans that are not in my best interest. The goal here is to move on and to leave a legacy and create a future.

I’ve not posted here about being let go from my long-time employer KOTV after nearly 15 years. I’ve been spending the last month lost and in severe depression. I’ve made it past mom dying, getting fired, Christmas, Thanksgiving, my birthday and Mother’s day mostly medicated. Approaching are her aniversery of her birthday and the start of the end of her life on Earth. Being unemployed sucks and leaves much time to think which is a dangerous thing. I’ve lost nearly everything including a friend with no explanation who helped me so much the past year. I have Pat and Cassie to keep me sane and they both have their own stuggles. Last night I chased up into deep Osage Nation Reservation and saw some great storms from a far. I don’t like chasing but the beautiful images from afar. July 1 is a date where there has to be a change. I can’t be alone anymore, I can’t continue this struggling day in and day out alone. This means more than Patrick or Cassie can provide. I guess July 1 is 16 days before mom’s birthday which she never got to celebrate as it was her last day outside a hospital. I’m not threatening harm to myself or anyone currently. Just stating that there HAS TO BE A CHANGE or I’m going to implode. I lost my mom, I’ve lost my work family, I’ve lost my faith in the church, and I’m losing my internal battle of self worth. I’m worthless and proof is everyone is surviveing without me. Work, friends, everything. July I will choose my destiny.

If you haven’t read the book or watched 13 hours worth of Netflix. I recommend you do. This series doesn’t justify the reason but shows the results of others actions and how they impact someone. I’m not making tapes or even planning on the same ending. I am however going to make those responsible know why. Ever since Saturday I’ve not been able to eat or work. I reached out a few weeks ago to get some days off to clear my head but was told no. I was put in the worst possible position Saturday as I was forced to goto a meeting and team building. An introverts nightmare. I failed everything that day. Sunday I finished tape 7-14 and was told by someone my mom claimed as a friend “your mother would want” as they only say when they need or want. No, my mother wouldn’t want me alone in the deepest of times. You failed the both of us. This isn’t my last post.

eyelid carcinoma T1 lab results.

So everyone knows I try to give most of my core friends a Birthday card.. This year I sent one that was to be delivered today but I found out that it was left behind and I couldn’t have that so… I called my Minon hotline and got a damn cake for him and his wife on their cruise. Only after he over thanked me I remember I never got a cake this year.. Nothing, because mom is dead and couldn’t bake me one or order it. Maybe I’ll be with her next birthday. Or some place the heat feels where they bake them. A

I made it to 2017 without dying. I’m very disappointed. I’m lost, My new years eve I worked 16 hours and my date skipped out to earn a few dollars. I would have payed Her to keep me from being at home alone with no mother or significant other. I need to find a drunk driver. Oh, my phone is offline.