Yes it will be a grace if I die. To exist is pain. Life is no desire of mine anymore. No more seat belts, looking both ways, speed limits, rules. Fuck this world.

Maybe my gift to my mom will crashing on her couch wherever I find her. May be early for my appointment.

I was able to make 1 of 3 apologies I owe people and this was the one weighting me for over a year. The other 2 I could care less about. Shopping around for discount pre-pay cremation services and trying to get the important stuff in the house marked should someone other than myself need to point it out. #### STOP #### don’t call COPES I don’t have a plan nor will I reveal one if it existed and COPES harass so much death is the only way to stop the visits and calls.
The friend I trust the most in the world has the instructions should I die involuntary or at my own hand. They are aware who and when to notify.
I’m not calling it quits, in fact I’m trying to scrape up some $ for a new device that would significantly increase my overall happiness and the cost of 2K is high but so is pre-paid cremation.
If you want to give me 2K email me. Otherwise I sit when my fully vaccinated self in my bed with tears causing typos on the screen.
Be safe kids.

No medication can make me happy. No amount of money can make me happy. Nothing seems to be working.
www.vice.com/en/article/m7amgx/china-death-steel-furnace-stock-market
www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9422277/Lee-Macmillan-viral-star-vanlife-travel-account-takes-life.html
These are one case that even asking for help and receiving it failed. The guy jumping into a furnace is brilliant. No way to fail.

Do you ever tell people things in passing over a long period of time like.. “Oh, I’d open up all my social media if I started really getting dark” and a year later and nobody notices? Covid has made the recluse part easy. Distancing from almost everyone. I’ve not seen Cassie in over a year, Patrick 3 months, Abby 16 months. I really can’t think of the last person I hugged. Its pretty obvious nobody is missing me. Quick look at my phone other than work I’ve not had an inbound call since Jan 1. Oh, my best friend the extended car fokes check on me more than I do myself.
I have 2 choices coming up.. raise up or fall down.

“If I commit suicide, it will not be to destroy myself, but to put myself back together again. Suicide will be for me only one means of violently reconquering myself, of brutally invading my being, of anticipating the unpredictable approaches of God. By suicide, I reintroduce my design in nature, I shall for the first time give things the shape of my will.”
-Antonin Artaud

Suicide only really frightens those who are never tempted by it and never will be, for its darkness only welcomes those who are predestined to it.
Georges Bernanos

When I was writing some letters should something go south I came across an ironic explanation to why I’m still here.
– Suicide is a form of murder – premeditated murder. It isn’t something you do the first time you think of doing it. It takes getting used to. And you need the means, the opportunity, the motive. A successful suicide demands good organization and a cool head, both of which are usually incompatible with the suicidal state of mind. –
Anyone that knows me will mostly agree that I normally have a plan for everything and until that plan is fine tuned it won’t be ready to execute. I feel sorry for my friends who think I’m crying wolf or looking for attention. I don’t need attention to hold my life in the balance.
I’m setting the 2nd week of March to attempt a revamp and taking some time off to facilitate maybe starting some things over. If I get there.
I’ve not hugged a human in over a year, I’ve not kissed anyone since the knight on a white horse broke Cinderella’s heart. 1 year ago today was the last time I stepped foot in a restaurant. Now I’ve completed my Covid vaccinations I hope to find those who maybe I can share a meal with under the sun and a picnic table.
My life has stopped and ceased to move in time. I think this is worse than death. The pain, humiliation, sorrow, loneliness would cease if I just jump onto a railway or that key card I have to the roof of the BOK that’s a quick 52 floor drop. 667ft .. I would reach 141mph and fall for 6.4 seconds. What would I think about for those 6 seconds? Probably not much because currently not ready so at 4 seconds I would pull the parachute.
Time is near.

Worlds spinning fast. Desperately searching for an exit.