Someone asked me if I was depressed… I honestly don’t think I am. I might have been scared but not depressed I’ve been there and know that feeling.

So today is Sunday and it just seems last week everything was all good and I was going to buy a new computer on Monday before the issues with mom. The week went into a tailspin and I don’t even remember what days I worked and what days I was even in town. It was a whirlwind trip to Ada and I saw family I’d not seen in a over 28 years in one case. I got mom home and spent the last of Saturday watching TV and winding down after the drive back home. I never realized how bad mom moms cellphone connection was until I saw all the places she didn’t have coverage over this trip. I’ve yet to really deal with me and I said in the previous post I better decompress before Monday and I’m sad to say that even after watching hours of TiVo and reading about 4 days of facebook status updates I’m still in a very blah mood. I did goto work today for a hour or so to make a few tweaks on the new systems.
I have to work in the morning and then I’m going to spend some time on the new systems before having to take mother to the surgeons office to get the “game plan”. I sure hope that its a easy and safe game plan because I don’t think I can handle a complicated situation without some form of release. I am bottling up everything and putting up 1 hell of a front but my god I need to go to the gun range sometime soon. I know I have a ton of friends that say “You can talk to me” “If you need anything” etc. But I’m a closed person way back in the dark days on my old blog you could tell I only had 2 people I could vent to. One of them I still have around and the other well isn’t in my close friends ring anymore. I really don’t have a girlfriend or close female to vent to that would give me comfort and I don’t see myself venting or breaking down to any of my male friends because I’ve got more pride then sense. I would write every thought I had on here but I’d again have to password protect it and only let certain people read it then that negates the reason for me having a open blog again. I guess I can just rant on here and say that yes I’m scared and yes having everyone telling me that they know tons of people that have gone thru the same thing and been fine has made me a wee bit better but HELLO we don’t even know what the game plan is yet. I don’t know if they are going to do by-pass surgery, stints, “roto-rooter” as its refereed to or if while were all talking about this fucking shit another clot is going to break and cause my mother to have a stroke before we even get the damn game plan. I wanted her in surgery Friday and the game plan then. I hate not knowing things if you read back the 4 years my blog spans I like to know everything and if you ask me I probably do or will make the best guess to answer. I feel sorry for my mother that says “I’m ready to die” because I know she is scared to death and I know that she has a full family she can fall back on. I’m my own. I’m not close with my family I have a cousin near my age that lives 20min away that i’ve not seen or really talked to in months. The only reason I’ve been talking to him recently is because he can help me keep the information about mom correct to the rest of the family. I don’t have any brothers or sisters to hang out with I don’t consider myself to have a father I don’t have contact with any others in my family. I have friends from work that I’ve had for years and can trust with my secrets and my issues then there are those i can’t trust with a damn thing but have to put my best face forward and make them feel special. I’m a private person and that sucks. I like it but when it comes to times like now all I can do is be on the verge of tears and type randomly on a blog that relatively no one reads. What I need is a friend that I can talk to that won’t judge me and listen to my venting thats female. The last time I broke down and talked to a guy about my issues was when I had was at my all time lowest in my life and he was a quick fix and gone. I think I scared him off because he said what he needed to and comforted me when he had to then disappeared to only be heard from when he needs something. On a random topic my itunes library got corrupted so my megga awesome suicide playlist is lost forever. If you read the blogs you know I’ve never thought of a playlist for suicide but more of my fav dark songs. Things like Nine Inch Nails, Ozzy and other nice and dark groups. I need to build mom some playlists on my ipod/iphone so she can have some tunes to listen to in the hospital (if we ever find out that). I also just remembered that if some read this they will know exactly who they are when i speak about them. Thats fine because if you recognize yourself you need to step up and be here for me or you need to get the fuck out of my way and let me implode on my own. I would think about talking to someone professionals but last time that happened it didn’t turn out well .. (Take therapist that committed suicide while I was a patient). I’m sure my troubles were not the reason because mine were just trust issues with women. I would normally re-read a post before posting it but this time I think I’ll let the raw be the raw and end with saying if you know who you are then you know where I need you and I need you now. I’d call but your working this weekend.

Well thats my rant. I work in the morning and will probably stay around to tinker with the new system before running to get mom. I’m craving a whopper with mustard and ketchup so I guess if you need me about 3:04 at BK on 15th and Harvard is where I’ll be. Now I shall take a lunesta (wheee) and attempt to sleep but with my mind running at three thousand miles an hour that will be tough. This might be an ambien kinnda night (yes I know I’m not suppose to have them but who said an addict never relapses)

Keep mom in your prayers.
-jc

So another day is over and all 6 members have all been sat down and advised of what we know which is not much. This trip wasn’t a fair well trip or a “I’m going to die trip” but more of a I need to relax and might as well do it while visiting with family. The only risk we are taking is having mom fresh out of surgery and having both her arteries recently opened up and incision on her legs. Now that vie done my part I can relax and not worry about who’s going to stress mom out. Now everyone is gone. I still don’t know how I’m handling this yet I’ve been stressing about how others are going to be affected. I’m going to hit bottom sometime before Monday or I’m going to be a wreck after Mondays appointment. Now I have to get a game plan for how and I’ll disseminate info starting Monday evening. Maybe I’ll take an emotional vacation. Well I’m wiped out and going to goto bed. Be safe and thanks for reading.

Today made the choice to smuggle mother across the state to Ada where all her family lives and start letting them know face to face. Sofar 1 down and 4 or 5 more to go. The plan was to do the face to face more personal than over the phone. My aunt is cooking steaks and smells good. I’m surprised I have 3G service out here since were 10miles from the nearest small town. I don’t even call it a city. Mom seems to be sticking to our game plan and only givin what they need to know. I have told her to be on her best behavior or shes going to not enjoy the 150mile trip home tonight. I’m planning on blowing this hell hole of cellphone signal hell. Only Internet is on the iPad. I’m hoping to get her back to Tulsa or rather me back to Tulsa by Sunday. Saturday evevning if I play my cards right. I know moms scared to death and trying to put forth a strong face. Ignore my rambling of the post but hell I’m bored on a couch with not cable tv and no netflix streaming or anything. Ugh someone rescue me.

L8r friends

This last Friday mom mom mentioned that she had temporally lost vision on her right eye and was worried about it. I booked her an eye appointment on Monday morning and she went to the office at 8am and they dilated her eyes and noticed some blood behind her right eye. The Doctor told mom to impermeably to go see her normal doctor and take him the info he gave mom. Since moms eyes were dilated she was unable to drive so I took her to the doctor and she got in fairly quick. Now to have full disclosure my doctor and hers is a personal friend of mine and is very blunt and doesn’t sugar coat his diagnosis.
He recommend mom go see a cardiologist and booked her an appointment for Wednesday morning to check into Southcrest hospital about 5:45 in the morning. They got her started on IV which she had to be stuck about 5 times by 4 different people trying to find a vein. We chilled out until about 8am when the surgeon came and introduced himself and explained the procedure and how long he expected it to last. About 9am they wheeled her into the OR and I migrated to the Surgery waiting room with other families. I was there about 45 minutes before the Surgeon came in and told me that they had to go in on both sides of moms groin and arteries. The hit blockage before the “Y” where they join up to the main trunk to her heart and were not able to make it past. The doctor couldn’t make it past that point and said thats not a good situation. He left and told me I could go see mom in 5 minutes. I waited to because I was updating everyone via txt messages and twitter also facebook. At this point we were limiting information to the family members and not giving the details about the blockages and such. We went back to the pre-op/recovery room and talked with mom and compared notes on the doctors before they took her for a full body CAT scan and MRI’s on her neck. We were told they would have a game plan and she should be released around 5. Mom had a hard time because she was restricted to her bed forced to lay down keep her head down and legs flat for 3 hours. She was not a happy camper. They supplied us with some turkey sandwich and chips. I had to feed her because she couldn’t lean up. After a few hours of me playing on iPad, TXT’n relatives and delegating the information I chose to release. We reached 2pm and they finally let her sit up an checked her incisions and let her walk around. She was greatfull of that. They released us with some orders for a doctors appointment scheduled for Monday afternoon and let us go at 3pm. We never got a call from the doctors to update us on the situation. I called my doctor while he was on the golf course and he was going to let me know when he got off the course. He called in a prescription for her stop smoking meds so that we can get her to stop because thats probably what caused most of this. After a while the doctor called and said he talked to both surgeons and had some tough news. They found multiple blockages in several areas of her arteries both in her legs, heart, and carotid arteries near her neck. The comments were made that she may need several surgeries and that they would be major surgeries. The risks include strokes, loss of legs, heart attack and death. We are optimistic to what is going on. We talked to the doctor last night and he said we should have no problem taking mom to Ada where her family is and were going to break the news to them all at the same time because up till now I’m the point of contact for everyone and mom isn’t talking to the family. I’m controlling what everyone knows to make sure we don’t give conflicting stories. We should leave for Ada this afternoon and arrive there sometime this evening.

I’m worried and am taking a pill for anxiety so that is helping me keep everything under control and able to stay focused. I’m scared to death that mom might not make it thru some of these surgeries and how long she might need to be off. Bills that might pile up and how her employer will handle things. I’m glad to have a great doctor that I can call on his cellphone and answer any questions I have. I have limited people that I can release and talk to without feeling like I’m bothering or being a cry baby. I am glad to have a friend thats been in the same shoes as I’m in so I have 1 person to lean on. It sucks tho having to discuss funeral, burial and what to do with all her shit if this goes bad. Its very somber when having to talk about these things when you know there is going to be a risk. On any other time I’m sure I’d not mind talking about this. Mom has no will and her comments to me is “I have only 1 son so you get it”. O’ Joy. Anyway thanks for all the prayers and good karma being sent our way and thanks for reading my rant and my way to explain to those that don’t know whats going on and now know more than most of the family. If you are or do know my family I request you not disclose what you have read in this blog. I appreciate it in advance.

-jc

If you have any questions you can hit me up via SMS/TXT “918-814-4971” I may not be able to disclose anything on voice and if I can I’ll call you after the text. I am also monitoring AIM at “roxcomrox”

So this has been a wacky 2 weeks. I’ve seen a few movies The Social Network, Live As We Know It and Its A Funny Kind Of Story. The Social Network was a great flick and I recommend it to everyone that does social networking. Life as we know it was pretty good had a warm and fuzzy feeling after the movie. And The movie that the reviews says sucked but I thought was an OK movie was its A Funny Kind Of Story. I liked how they played off suicide prevention and the fact that our youth are farked up in the head. The movie was pretty much shot in a sound stage and very limited outdoor shots so a fairly easy movie to shoot,
I was going to have a semi-sorta date last Tuesday with a friend to hang out at the fair and just have fun.. I think the girl is a nice and cool chick but she has a confusing life with 3 children and such. I was expecting fun but had lunch on Tuesday afternoon with her and a new set of friends and was to hang out that evening. I got a txt from her about 3 and all was good. Some 4 when we were going to go out she said she had to wait till 5 and I was good with that.. After 6:30 and her now replying to txt messages or answering her phone. I had taken Wednesday off so I could stay out on Tuesday evening. So it was all in vain. I’ve yet to hear from her and dunno how I would approach the situation other than WTF. So I’m just checking this off as a lesson learned and to not trust females again. I was more disappointed than hurt but it did suck. I mean call me and say plans changes, call me and say your kids sick, call me and say your sick, call me and say you don’t want to go out. But don’t leave me hanging. Oh yea she was twittering during the times she was not answering her phone and text messaging.

Greetings Friends,Today is Monday, Oct. 4, the 277th day of 2010. There are 88 days left in the year

Has a fun weekend but an interesting one. Friday I went to see the movie “The Social Network” it was a pretty good flick. I came home and did some reading and server work but I came home to my MBP (MacBook Pro) making a horrid noise. It seems I have a fan going out and causing it to sound like a cat with its tail stuck in a fan. Saturday I walked in a AIDS walk and helped them raise money for local groups. I was supposta goto the fair with Leah and I sorrta did. We got to the fair and walked around for 20min before some old lady in front of me stopped in her little hover-round and caused me to trip. I made the comment I hated old people and the lady was offended and told me I’ll be old someday where I replied I’ll be dead long before her. Well this exchange included me telling her to F off and this offended Leah as it should have and I took her home. I came back to town and took mom to dinner then I went back to the fair and roamed around. For Sunday I went to church to beg for forgiveness. I went shopping after church and washed my car at the car wash (wow go figure) and then home to watch some NASCAR which was depressing because there were hardly any wrecks. I then turned to football and rested the rest of the day. I pondered going and buying a new macbbook and stopped myself before I did because even tho I have the cash on hand to do it I don’t want to spend a few thousand dollars when fixing mine might be a lot less. So I have an appointment today to have them look at my MBP. I’m expecting them to keep it for a few days I am going to get the HD replaced and maybe some more memory added. I figure I might want to get it upgraded if it will stay together. Otherwise I had a un-productive weekend.

Well theres my Monday update. Oh yea the “Ouch” is because I have 2 sores in my mouth from braces and they hurt like hell. I’ve got 2 big chunks of wax in my mouth to stop the irritation but it still is sore. Anyway theres the explanation of the topic.

Today is Friday, Oct. 1, the 274th day of 2010. There are 91 days left in the year.

Happy October.. Today starts the true push to fall and soon enough winter. The temperatures have been hanging around the 50’s in the mornings and upper 70’s in the afternoons. I’ve been enjoying this weather by sleeping all day and all night. I have been spending to much money and sitting at home watching TiVo has been boring.. Even tho I need to watch it to keep up with my backlog of shows. I really don’t need tp be sleeping all day as for my diet and weight loss was part by cutting my naps and being active. I’ve been keeping the same weight of my loss. I was going to go see a movie on Wednesday but the person i was going to see it with bailed on me. I need to go see “You again” plus the new movies that come out this week like “The Social Network”. I guess I can make a few movies next week while sprinkling the fair in the mix.
Today is payday and also the first full day of the state fair. I need to re-new my paper subscription while there unless they don’t have their normal fair deal then I’ll just cancel it. I am pondering how much money I will end up spending this year at the fair. I hope to go a few days anyway and I need to take Leah to the fair so she can get her Taco Salad at the famous yellow taco stand. I am going to miss the huge turkey legs and roasted corn on the cob this year due to my braces =(. I have been told that cotton candy is taboo due to the sugar and braces but I bet if I rinse with water right after I’ll survive.
This weekend I have the chance to do an AIDS walk on Saturday morning or to goto the zoo and run another 5K. I dunno if I’ll run or not.
This week has been GREAT weather and It’s going to be that way thru the next week. I’ll try to update the 1st of next week.

Today is Tuesday, Sept. 28, the 271st day of 2010. There are 94 days left in the year.

So I forgot to update yesterday.

Last week I saw “Wall Street”, “Takers” and that was it. I had a fairly uneventful week with a few days online playing and working on my servers. I had an orthodontist appt on Thursday and doc said my teeth were moving good and he changed out both wires. I was told that this should move the 1 tooth that wasn’t moving and that I should plan on a  week of soft food diet because the wires were strong and would hurt. Boy he wasn’t kidding I was so tight I felt like someone had their hand in my mouth pulling each tooth forward. I ran straight to sonic and had food after the appt so i could eat solids before my jaw reacted to the new pressure. Within an hour I was in pain and not enjoying life. Friday morning I was sore and drinking a shake and eating pudding. AC offered me a stick of gum and I normally chew gum after adjustments but this time I’d avoided it because of the pain. I chewed the gum slowly and avoiding certain teeth that were tender. I moved to a better piece of gum when I got home and continued to work out my jaw pain. That afternoon I went to see Wall Street and decided to try a soft pretzel. It hurt to eat but was tolerable with ibuprofen. I continued to east a soft diet of pudding for dinner. I had the race for the cure on Saturday and stopped in and got burger king and are normal food on Saturday. I raced and had a pretty good time for a 5k. I went home and had a shake and hamburger. I’m now on a full normal diet and I swear that chewing gum is the key to getting rid of jaw pain with braces. I talked to a co-worker that said gum was a no-no but my ortho recommends it for adults as long as its sugar free.   I went to church on Sunday and enjoyed a nice steak with Cassie for lunch. I came home and watched the TiVo and mowed the front yard before going to bed.

Monday I worked a full day and went home watched some TiVo before mowing the back yard then returning to the TiVo. I did stop by the Ace Hardware on my way home and buy a ass load of bird seed for my feeders. They had 3 20lb bags for $9.99. I hit the sack by 8pm.

I’m out of lunesta so I’m pop’n a mix of over the counter sleep meds and nyquil to sleep. its not as good as lunesta but its doing the job. I guess I shouldn’t go thru a 90 day supply in 60 eh?

Well sorry again for the slow updates but I’m trying to make an effort to updates it just happens when i normally do them in the morning I’ve been busy with other things. Work comes first believe it or not.

Today is Monday, Sept. 20, the 263rd day of 2010. There are 102 days left in the year.

Greetings,

So the movies this last week were “The American” “Get Low” and “Easy A”.. The american was garbage and I dunno why it even looked good. It was borderline porn and the plot was boring and almost put me to sleep. I bitched about it on twitter and a nice young lady recommended me see “Get Low”. I went the next day and saw it and it was a great flick with Bill Murry and a few others. The highlight of the week was “Easy A” it was a fun flick but most of the good clips were in the previews.

I worked a fairly normal shit most of last week and nothing major to report other than I was sick starting on Thursday and didn’t make it to ignite which is a program where you have 15 slides and 5 minutes to do a presentation. I had 4 friends doing presentations and hope they put them online.

I had a call with my doctor about my medical issue and we agreed on a plan to test some stuff. I have been trying the change since last Thursday and I’ll know by Friday if this “fix” works.

This week I really don’t have any plans with the exception of a orthodontist appointment on Thursday and Movie on Friday.