I think it’s not fun that people judge me.

Did you did wish me a Happy Holidays or Happy Birthday? Of the 60+ people I sent cards to this year via mail all personally written from Sweden to Japan and Germany. I received 0, I sent 40 personal Xmas cards only received 3. If I was to put my top 10 all time friends only 4 remembered.

I’m forgotten, I’m invisible, I’m not appreciated. I am upset I spent so much time and money in the last year for one reason “I wanted the person I sent a card to with a personal note to toss it somewhere. On the toughest day they face I hope they find it and smile knowing I cared when it may seem noone else did.” backfired.

I am breaking the mold and making a new rule.. There are no rules to rule me period.

I’m sick of one-way friends where I am only called, txt, paged or e-mailed when they need me. Not calling to talk to me or check on me or see what’s up.. They NEED ME. I sat for 3 days this last week eating a full sheet of birthday cake by myself while watching Tivo. Why? Everyone was busy with family or work while I was off.

I love my church but after 7 years I think many cracks have opened up for infectious people whom sole purpose is to use me and others I’ve seen for only their personal gain.

Several people have mentioned I should look into a singles cruise where nobody would know me and just maybe I would come out of my shell. I don’t seeing this happening. I think maybe a new church or auditing some churches might let my inner soul tell me if I’m in the right place with God.

This will mean by leaving Destiny for a season or good. I will be loosing Cassie and Jocelyn. You can’t even fathom how this hurts me.

I hope everyone has had a great week back to work.

Be safe & don’t worry I’m quite over everything personal now.

Well It’s officially 06272014 -0 Z,
I guess I opened my big mouth this morning about something that technically wasn’t in effect, public knowledge and released from NDA’s until 0000 06272014. Join me as we look up the rabbit hole.
Somewhere around June of 1988 I was introduced to some great people that all shared the same interest of being online and chatting which lead to weekly get together’s etc.. January of 1989 I started working with some brilliant minds across something called FidoNet and MetroBBS. Ok now you have the backstory. March 1989 I launched Zargon Productions and was subsequently inspired by a co-worker to create what is now Rox Communications. Since 1989 a few things happened like the 28.8 modem and people trying to get away from Anglefire and AOL for their web content. Rox Communications has over the years had a diehard client base that since 2004 I’ve only taken on 4 additional clients.
Now there is a small building in New York that houses a company that has shelves and racks of computers all stored in their building called Internap, they were a major data center and I purchased and drown a T-1 line back in the day. So as of today 7 servers have been upgraded and managed by a trusted team in their offices. Add more years and IRC and I had made friends out the black and white hat groups whom had data access pretty much anywhere in the states but internationally things were challenging where content wasn’t regulated by oversight groups or governments that I had fun with till now.
This is where it sucks. I can’t disclose anything regarding Rox Communications that deals outside the USA further except “rox.me.uk” will be retained as “rox.cc” by myself. Today I am realizing what my friends Ryan, Randy, Steve K, Steve N have recently about the acronym IRL.
However life happens and you notice that time not in front of a computer is cherished yet I still keep a backpack with enough power and internet and torrent ports to last days if needed, hell I still have a pager. Mattias, JaySkee, Richie, Reid, Dave, Dan R, Bridget, Piker, Paige , William, Allen, Jen G, my ghost Jen, Arlene, Priyanka which whom I’ve only communicated with in the last months via Facebook and the cloud verses my traditional methods.
So that’s where Rox Communications officially goes Friday June 27th as a vapor. I am forever grateful to CJ for over 15 years of help and support. Ryan, you let me leach away and kept me on my toes to see what happens when you serve outstanding service to the public sector. QSI was the king in their field, I also heard their 800 # had a great voice system.
So those that I mentioned make note I wouldn’t have taken the time to make sure I didn’t miss anyone off my facebook public lists if you didn’t impact my life, sadly kids on “todays internet” will never know what we had, and we had it good.
If you are reading this and your name is NOT mentioned then you don’t know how I grew up with the real internet 1.0.
I think my 16 years in the internet business is now just a simple blog and facebook posts. I apologize if 14.4, 28.8, 9600 baud and cursing about not disabling call waiting or parents picking up the phone while downloading a 2 meg animated GIF file (an hour) doesn’t resonate with you but It’s my view from outside the box.
My final line is to the most generous and blessed asset I’ve had at my hands for over 38 years whom the past 6 months has had my back and decipher the havoc of the past 6 months, Thanks Pat.

OK this is my once a year bitch fit. Some saw the effect on Thursday last week if you follow me on social media. So I turned another notch near 40 and I received one, 1, o-n-e real paper card. I had lunch and a movie with Cass but the rest on Facebook and text 90% a day late. I find it fantastic when the events this year not only ment a small but yummy Xmas and that’s it. I feel like there were no holidays, I had to miss my 2 favorite events that are tradition for me. Granted again health issues just mucked up everything. I have an ex that has kept her word and stayed away, my unicorn and a flame that will always be there regardless. I hate being alone because it’s just that.. Alone.. I can watch all the TV I want on my snazzy new phone or tablet but if I’m not on a plain or waiting room I get bored. Boredom = more toys = $. So I know my hazards from the past are well, in the past. My unicorn is like pixie dust. One moment she’s there then months without as much as seeing her. My old flame is flammable and I don’t know if I’m ready for that fire. I look ahead and see that soon I’m going to loose Cass because she is going to be in mommy mode soon. Really only one person on my scope and they are so far off my scope if I were to reveal I think we would need several EMT’S on scene. So do I build a net for the unicorn? Do I do the unthinkable? For years (5) I’ve not hard core longed to be with someone until this summer when I got a taste before it soured.

I thought before this mom ordeal I had a new “network of friends to rely on” yet when I throw up the white flag it ends up in the mud. My core friends are there but have families or hours away. The thing that sucked about leaving home so young is I severed all my friendships that most keep their lifetime. I have a ghost, Cass, Nichole and Steve and Angela but all have family’s.. I’ve been busting my ass to keep everyone happy but myself. The problem is “what would make me happy”?  I’ve never been fond of children and never wanted to be a father. I want someone that works the same type hours and doesn’t expect the world but be surprised when she gets it. I remember the old me whom used to randomly hand out roses on Friday nights. I remember the me that deejay’d nights and got to hang out all the time. Yet I grow up to be doing a job I enjoy and don’t mind the hours one bit. After this recent living at the hospital for weeks I should have tried to get to know the nurses better =).
Well today has been busy and hasn’t Slowed until I picked up the phone to post to mom’s blog but thought that enough was running thru mine to ramble. I live outside the glass box looking in to find problems yet sit in the cold and don’t ask or appreciate who’s got my back. I also feel like the bad son whom isn’t at his mom’s bedside right now just to be there. I wasn’t accomplishing anything there nor here.

I hate being a mental mess when it comes to me. I like walls and build great ones. Sometimes a ghost will drift thru a wall or something so crazy you would never belive it if I told you catapulted itself over into my very fabric both physically and mentally. I also giggle that people never realized I don’t have to be sitting in an office to control the world.

Ok, my rant on holidays, flaky friends, safety nets with holes and walls shall end.

Chilling with mom and brought her breakfast. This is the gloomy view from her bedside. Yes somewhere in that freezing fog is downtown Tulsa.

I’ve been so swamped with mom and work. I have taken a bit of leave from work and working for a few hours in the office and leaving by 6am. Quick summery.

Checked mom in Nov 14th and she came home Nov 21st and things were going good until December 9th when she started having issues so we re-admitted her to the CICU with a very bad infection and treated as MERSA until we got the blood cultures on the 11th to confirm it IS NOT MERSA but MSSA. This still made her classified as infectious and seperated from the others. On December 10th they put her back on the operating table and opened her up all the way again. Using TONS of antibiotic flush in several sites that were infected. Yesterday I transferred her to a LTAC (Long Term Acute Care) hospital for several weeks. Over this time I’ve been working on some days and going back to hospital at 5 or 6 AM. I’m back in the office today as the winter blast hits. If you are keeping up with my moms blog then you are all updated. I’ve had a brush with my past and am not going to rush these things. I’ll update again soon.. (before my birthday)

Amazing thing my tablet does is notify me if I have an appointment at 4pm and I have the address on the contact or manually entered. If there is a wreck it will pop a notice in advance of my scheduled leave time or when I normally leave. It also knows my frequently visited locations and when I go. If I forget to set an alarm I normally have setup it will ding and remind me shortly after I normally set it. I love technology and embrace it. I don’t worry about big brother but only outsiders that can use my location and patterns for evil purposes.

Lots of things going on and I don’t know where to start. So I will just say forgiveness is something I want but am not in the place to ask yet. Given the last 4 days my world is spinning like a toy top.

I can’t even start to say how Alanis song “ironic” plays out. Having shared a fear/thought with multiple people about a “old topic”  and the very next few days the fear is made real. A song by Warrant describes what just happened.

The 6 hours of surgery were stressful not just for me but the fast so many people wanted to know everything NOW. I had planned to get some rotation and able to care for things while our stay in the CICU. Sadly I just had to contact the hospital volunteer coordinator to find someone to sit with my mom so I can go get showers and do things.