I’m awake but my mind is quiet.. like talking to myself monolog. Didn’t take ambien.

Today it hit 102 and home AC barely even kept up. As I layed out naked under the fans sweating I noticed my most tender zones was sore and feels like I have a few bumps or lumps I might need a doctor to check out. Hate to lose a testicle over ignoring them.

Mental healthy is sinking quick. Thinking tonight how Joy got off the train so I’d not be alone wherever I ended up.

It’s weird how my anxiety has me so hyped up. Trying not to smother red but trying to think about life without that force is not sustainable.

Perfect Memorials Custom Engraved Ebony Glaze Cremation Urn https://a.co/d/4pmdPyR

Trying so hard to give red room. She needs it and is on her own emotional ride. How can I want her so bad but fear she won’t want me and this extra time is a waste of time?
She won’t even meet me for lunch or answer my phone calls.
Work is crushing my soul right now with a mentally abusive supervisor. So many things at home to do but I don’t leave the bed except when leaving house. I’m afraid to vent to red and scare her off. I’ve over burdened multiple friends where they don’t even check on me anymore. I’m not worth their time.

I don’t matter is all I hear or see.

Not doing well. Thinking about July 17th moms bday and 6 year anniversary of her leaving by ambulance. Good time to leave for good.

Not a word from her, I miss her. Maybe I’ll miss her forever. She posted meme to fb so she’s not dead like I should be.

I feel like it’s one sided. She won’t talk to me on the phone and ignores my messages .
I’m alone again.