The snowballs

So someone decided to report my Twitter account as not mentally well and they care about my digital well-being so for my followers and my own self I’m limited to what I can post now.. beautiful. So this site gets 1 unique IP hit a day or week and the rest are bots. They always talk about the radio signal in Russia that transmits garbage 24/7 for decades as a dead man’s trigger. You cut the signal in turn notify everyone that Russia or the protected site has been compromised.

This page is sort of that and up till September of 2018 I kept a suicide note set to publish every Friday and if I forgot to set the date to the next week or 2 weeks someone a ghost once would tap me on the shoulder. See back then there were many ways to reach me FB, Twitter, Insta, IRC, txt etc.. I’ve all but abandoned FB and even my alt has only 3 friends. Sometime back I altered my letter with my final instructions to remove suicide from any of it because quite frankly I wasn’t the happiest kid but I didn’t want to die yet.

Yet..

I think over the next few days or week I need to update my instructions to the 3 people I give a shit about. 1 of them is my dead man’s signal and the other 2 are the only family I have. 2 of them know if something even accidentally goes south to contact someone they don’t know how to contact. Trust me the moment my heart stops it will be known. I once said I can talk anyone off a ledge and many can attest thats true. But you can’t stare into a mirror and tell yourself lies.

Thanksgiving is coming up and I’m already telling people who which me a happy Thanksgiving “thanks for forcing my ancestors out of their homes” maybe I’ll get told to stop it closer to the holidays.

Till then.

We cut and kill flowers because we think they are beautiful. We cut and kill ourselves because we think we are not.

So approaching my 2nd year of employment after going thru hell and having a job, having house almost free and clear. I’m about to be on the street again. Or hanging from a tree near a street. That is if I escape from quarantine.

From Twitter :

Rough day yesterday and continued today. Depression sucks and helping others when I’m in my own rabbit hole makes me fall faster. I can’t say no when someone needs help. Yet can’t say yes when offered help.

Be advised this is my new work schedule. For those that don’t know I’m working with the Department of Education and in a secure environment where I can’t have a cellphone. So be advised..

My hours are for now as follows.

Monday 12:30-9p
Tuesday 11:30-9p
Wednesday & Thursday 8:00-5:30p
Friday 8:00-1:00p

So lake time starts at 1:01 Friday thru Monday.

Well,

I wasn’t doing great but had the chance if a good job and found that I had a decent IRS return due. I filed taxes and did what I hate doing and borrowed some of the due amount from a friend. In the weeks that followed I was denied employment because I apparently didn’t have a required history of customer service even though I can’t think of a higher engagement rate being in TV and working phones.  I received a small payment back from the state and was due my federal by today.

Problem is several parts. Now I’m still unemployed and a decent employer is apparently having an internal dispute a out which department is hiring. Until then I am still living off now $45.00 to my name and cards maxed out and bills due next week.

I’m sick, why? Because today the IRS has said my identity is in question and I have to fill out a bunch here of forms and prove who I indeed am. The document mailed states it could take 9 WEEKS.

That’s not doable.. Life is really going to shit. One of the bright spots of my adventure had been helping a friend with their new position and I’m now feeling like I’m being blown off. I really have no prospects on the table and all I’m doing to family is being a burden.

Seems like being cut off is a trend.. Layer off and most friends and church have abandoned me except for the few I harass and those whom care genuinely…

Before Christmas I was leaving for lunch with Cassie to discover I didn’t have water. It was taken care of but signaled a trend..

I returned from a job hunt and house sitting for a friend to no heat or hot water. I had to suffer a very cold night without.

Let the downpour start as today I lost power for a few and had to use my car payment for electricity.. This week car, gas, water, rest of electricity bill, internet are all due and I have $20. I’m guessing that this will be my last post for a while.

So much hate, pain, anger, disappointment, and hurt. That’s just my life not the News. I have said before I look at FB to see how my friends, their children are advancing and fellow coworkers are. But so much political and infighting on here. I have my own battles to lose. I’ve given up on winning. I’ve given up on trying and to look here for the positive things from my “friends” it makes me regret that choice most times. I’m crawling back into a hole and if I’m lucky an asteroid or a drunken semi driver will find it.

So if you wish to find me you can send me a DM or call me. Fun fact I’ve not had an incoming call that was a human for 8 days. I’ve been the only one to reach out. And I can count on 5 fingers the ones who have called me in a month. My worth is lost when I always have to reach out. I’m not worth someone’s time to check my pulse.

Today was 14 hours..