So red is back. What started as a typo and misdirected message has turned my suicide plans on end. Why? Because she’s separated from her husband and not going back. There’s lots of complications and tons of what it’s. I’m a fool if I let her get away again as the conversations have been pretty mutual on missing each other and she still holds a key to the door to bypass my walls. I’ve told her that I’ve been planning an endgame but has no idea how close it is.
There are only 3 ladies I’d put the end game on who or trash the idea of suicide for and she is the #1. One other has vanished and I’m no longer her white knight. The final lady is happy and in love with someone and I’m happy for her. She’s awkward like me so if she’s found someone to embrace that awkwardness I’m all for it.
I need to physically be in the same room with red to know if the feelings after 10 years ago are as fresh as wet paint or if the paint has peeled off and needs work. Regardless it’s going to be a mutual effort to make anything work but if we still click I don’t think there is a slow mode for us, there never has been. There are levels that we keep but making out like teenagers is pretty much how it starts and will stay till she’s divorced.
The one thing I dont want to be is the secret anymore. My friends know about red and how time has not altered much but red has kept me a secret even during the good times.
Not looking to get hurt but getting hurt isn’t going to push me to suicide but just be life’s way of telling me “get fucked”. I still have a white horse tied up out back.

Today someone said something towards me that has made me question if fighting is worth it. This person is my direct supervisor and whom I’ll have to trust. I’m not sure I can do that.

Making a few detours to say see you next time.

Was told today I don’t matter. I once thought I didn’t and I reached a point where I thought I just might. Well fuck me. Apparently I’m not worth even a return txt.
I get it when my mom doesn’t txt me back. But for another that’s a different story.
Do I matter?

I’m without love.