I’ve given up. I’m out of money. I can’t force red to accept me. I miss my mom. Even if where I end up she isn’t the missing will never go away. What do I have to loose.

But if it’s what happens.

Love you.

Having a full plate isn’t a sin. However trying to take on more than you can chew can hurt those that are rejected. That’s how I feel. I’m not wanted. I’m not needed. Someone said I should move on. My question is move on to what really? I’m at the bottom of a rabbit hole and my golden rope hoisting me out was snipped.

Invited to the dinner table but messages kept getting shorter so I asked. There’s no room for me. At least she didn’t lie to me.

Changing cellphone carriers.. and such so be ready for distractions. Plus found a pretty easy mustard gas recipe.

I think Reds back with her man. Only texts I get are good morning. I think her mom might be bad but she’s on FB all day long. Mom’s bday is 10 days away. Time to get a plan.

Red’s got it rough with her mom looking at hospice and I know that feeling where you’re going to lose the once you love. She lost her dad unexpectedly and I can feel that pain still in her. I’m having trouble sleeping and Abby and family are on a long road trip so they won’t be back soon. Pats been pretty quiet and was hoping to do breakfast with him soon. Work is a mess right now.

I’m awake but my mind is quiet.. like talking to myself monolog. Didn’t take ambien.

Today it hit 102 and home AC barely even kept up. As I layed out naked under the fans sweating I noticed my most tender zones was sore and feels like I have a few bumps or lumps I might need a doctor to check out. Hate to lose a testicle over ignoring them.