I have dreamed and thought about this a lot. I think I will leave my mark as a statistic.

Happy last day of vacation 2 of 4. This past week has had 1 good day and boy was it packed solid. The rest were a utter waste of oxygen. Friday was non stop and seeing Minions then Mission Impossible in the same day was fun along with my dinner guest Cassie. Saturday was packing and cleaning. Meanwhile my sleep schedule has not been on vacation mode so 2am grilled cheese sandwiches have been common. Today (Sunday) I goto bed super early (Yea right) and return to work tomorrow. I’m going to start publishing my calendar publicly and give the option for friends to book my open spots for lunch, hangout, sex, movies or volunteer events. (it’s in concept mode as are activities). Part of my moving has been a 96 gallon bag of clothing I’m donating so my wardrobe took a major hit. All I have to do before bed is order some makeup and order more trash bags (only come in 3 packs).

So, I am not having a good vacation. Did a spurt of travel over 3 days now I have 7 days without funds to do nothing. I’ve not shaved in a week and only shower to return to bed. I take vacation to get away from work but isolated isn’t good. Depression has continued to go down hill and thoughts grow darker. A previous flicker of an old flame was brought to my attention and that person is having no issues finding someone to date.. Hell even my movie buddies don’t have time for me anymore. I wonder how long before I would be missed?

Days I lay down to sleep because I need to sucks. Wish I has 9 lives and could shoot myself only to wake refreshed tonight.

Well it once again is dating season and I only have one prospect. This is not good. This is my last season before I break the 40 year mid-life crisis where I buy a fast car and hooked. Or I find a creative way to take my hat off. It’s sad that I reach out to those that I’m there for and they are nowhere to be found. I shoot a flare in the air to my friends saying hey I’m bored and need to be around people and I get silence. Somehow I feel I’m slowly sliding down the rope faster than I’ve climbed. I’ve done so well with going out and trying to get to know random people but it seems I’m not someone people want to know.

” Be careful, Loneliness is dangerous. It’s addicting . Once you see how peaceful it is, you don’t wanna deal with people ever again.”

Society has become so civilized that we have to simulate manual labor at the gym in order to reap the health benefits that civilizations of past centuries had to do naturally for a living.

I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions, or unnecessary conversations.

I feel like I need to to have swapped places with this bunny. My foot hurts so bad the biggest and baddest pain meds I have are only making me high not pain free. I’m still staying away from Facebook as I’m sad to have not heard back from Cassie about church and I kinnda wanted to see her and J today. My fallback plan was a movie but my gout is moving thru my foot and walking is getting to be a challenge. I’m not sleeping well which means dose has changed at least not a placebo. Somehow my music went from thrash metal to classical on its own at 1am. Must have been my 9th sense that kicked in to stop forward motion on me throwing the phone. I’m really hating life right now. My best friend doesn’t want me, work doesn’t want me and hell as far as I can tell nor does God.