Changing cellphone carriers.. and such so be ready for distractions. Plus found a pretty easy mustard gas recipe.

I think Reds back with her man. Only texts I get are good morning. I think her mom might be bad but she’s on FB all day long. Mom’s bday is 10 days away. Time to get a plan.

Red’s got it rough with her mom looking at hospice and I know that feeling where you’re going to lose the once you love. She lost her dad unexpectedly and I can feel that pain still in her. I’m having trouble sleeping and Abby and family are on a long road trip so they won’t be back soon. Pats been pretty quiet and was hoping to do breakfast with him soon. Work is a mess right now.

I’m awake but my mind is quiet.. like talking to myself monolog. Didn’t take ambien.

Today it hit 102 and home AC barely even kept up. As I layed out naked under the fans sweating I noticed my most tender zones was sore and feels like I have a few bumps or lumps I might need a doctor to check out. Hate to lose a testicle over ignoring them.

Mental healthy is sinking quick. Thinking tonight how Joy got off the train so I’d not be alone wherever I ended up.

It’s weird how my anxiety has me so hyped up. Trying not to smother red but trying to think about life without that force is not sustainable.

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Trying so hard to give red room. She needs it and is on her own emotional ride. How can I want her so bad but fear she won’t want me and this extra time is a waste of time?
She won’t even meet me for lunch or answer my phone calls.
Work is crushing my soul right now with a mentally abusive supervisor. So many things at home to do but I don’t leave the bed except when leaving house. I’m afraid to vent to red and scare her off. I’ve over burdened multiple friends where they don’t even check on me anymore. I’m not worth their time.

I don’t matter is all I hear or see.