The Subject line pretty much sums up my life right now. I’m done with my major projects a boss who always emails or calls me when I don’t fit his standards and almost never get a “Thanks” or anything anymore. I have other supervisors that are more appreciative. I started a new drug as I referenced in the previous post. I’m going to further refer to this as ” I don’t give a shit anymore drug” or IDGASAD.. I love this new drug because I really don’t give a shit. My life is sucking really hard and all my friends have other obligations or schedules to attend to rather than listen to me vent for a fucking 20min. I have so much pent up that I’m about to dive into a dark hole that I’ll refer to as the Old blogging days. I have 1 glimmer of hope and thats a new friend that I’m trying to build a friendship with but I have not a clue how the friend chemistry is going to work out. I’ve given up on dating websites because they suck, I’ve given up on the one girl I’ve secretly had a crush on ever since she went single some 9 months ago and have listened to her every bitch, whine and complaint and tried my best to be her friend. The IDGAASD drug has helped me relize that my life is a non-stop destructive cycle and I’m starting the destructive cycle again. I’m not really doing anything that will affect my work so I’m not worried about that except the supervisor that just looks at my overtime and not at the blood sweat and tears and less hair I’ve spent making the product work. As you read about now I can say that the IDGASAD is safe and used with suicidal individuals so don’t worry about me OD’n on this shit. The worst it can do is make me drunk and black out at dosages over 10mg and I’m doing .5 to 1mg. Spent the weekend experimenting with the dosages and notice that it prevents me from reaching a deep sleep. Thats the only bad side effect.
I hate that the singles group at church is disbanding and I now will have nothing to do with my church other than show up enjoy the music, listen to the word and go home and sin again.
I thrive on being around people and having friends. I try to be a friend to people it just seems its not a 2 way street. I’m the guy you call when your BF breaks up or fucks up and you want my opinion. I’m the guy you ask about girls and what you should do or handle yourself. I’m the guy thats a snob and won’t goto a party or event unless he has no less than 4 people there I now. I hate going to events solo and having to be fake and make friends or myself and he the loane guy at the bar taking shots of Jagermister. My life has been pretty good up until this last project started and I was all ramped up and happy about the project and now that I’m in the cleanup stage I feel like I’m worthless and have nothing to do. I’ve spent the last week working on my 5 month long to-do list and I’ve almost accomplished it in a matter of 4 days.
Mom being living at home has been a real life changer let me tell you. I had my 1st real fight and scream match with her on Sunday afternoon because I’d had a bad post-church experience at work and came home to watch some nascar and tivo and she demands to watch her tv shows. I proceeded to tell her that its my flatscreen TV, My sound system, and My fucking cable bill. I was not a happy camper. Some of the stress with mom is I had to shell out 2k of my cash so she could do the surgeries. I’m now back to living paycheck to paycheck and she was out of work for a week so I’m paying all the bills.
Soo Lets talk about the orthodontist I saw last Thursday. They changed out the bottom wire and it didn’t hurt as bad as the top they put a power chain on my top which is a VERY long rubber band that hooks into each bracket and pulls your teeth (mind you they have spent 6 1/2 months pulling apart) together. The assistant told me I’d be in pain for a while and recommended ibuprofen. I have a VERY high tolerance for pain and it was achy but by no means painful. The thing is the power chain is CLEAR so I have a clear rubber band across my top front teeth. I can’t eat ANYTHING mustard, ketchup, some soups, BBQ, anything that has red or yellow ingents that would stain a shirt will stain my chain. I have heard horror stories of ppl with bright green power chains and the ortho refusing to replace them until 6 weeks are up but I feel if I can pay them 6k they can make 15min available to me to change a fucking rubberband.
So I went on a rant from new drugs, work, lack of friends I can vent to and how anti-social I’ve become. You can ask some of my friends 10 years ago i was the life of the party and knew it. 12 years later I’m shy, quiet unless I know you or really trust you. I thought abut asking for some anti-depresants but none ever work for me and the ones I have tried were a bitch to get off of. I’ll stick with my IDGAFSD and play with the dosages to see how I do. I enjoy my job and would stay there 12hrs a day if I could. I’m also not eating again and what I do eat is junk food its 3pm and all have eaten is a sausage biscuit that our HR lady shared if we voted for employee of the year. I’m also warming up to a new co-worker thats married so stop thinking I’m flirting that I think I can build a friendship with her also so I guess there are 2 options with one of them single and the other happily married. I think I’m going to pop about 4mg and head to bed i’ve already established that alcohol has no effect on my drugs (liver might disagree) since I tried to get smashed Friday night and only succeeded to toss and turn all night regardless of what i took to sleep.
I just took 1/2 an ambien, 2 more .5 of IDGAFS so 2mg, about 40mg benedryl and 15mg of meletonan. 3mg of lunesta Plus my normal meds. I’m pretty sure I don’t have any combos that will assist or make me OD. My doctor has been very careful because she thinks I’m suicidal and I’ve been there before and I know those thoughts are just waiting till i get farther down the hole. I’m staring down and do see the bottom so thats a good sign. I want to go see a movie called Morning Glory its about morning show producers and I think 1 group are going tomorrow and I might go with Stephanie on Friday morning. I just find it sad that at 3pm I’m going to bed because I have no friends to hang out with and church is not out until 930 and that would affect my sleep schedule severely since I’ve already shown up to work in an altered state of mind. If you now me IRL or read this the one thing you should get at is I’m not perfect, I’m now broke and am currently needing to find someone more fucked up than me to hang wih so I can learn off them rather than me guessing how to act. Have fun reading my mind.
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