So this morning started out with me running late to work because I had to get gas and yes I was only 8 minutes late I still HATE to be late. One thing after another this morning kept my mind occupied to the point of a headache. A Police car runs over a lady walking in the road and kills her, drama with live shots and trying to play with legalitys of the media. I came home and tried to take a nap as normal this was a mega fail. I got a text message from someone I really care about and wasn’t excited about the text so I went to think about it while I mowed the front yard in 94 degree hot and humid weather. I came in for a quick break and replied with some comical reply and changed my FB status and went back to mow. My mood went from happy and wanting to go out tonight to a dark mood where I needed to do something to keep my mind on a new topic. I finished the yard and came in and sent another text this time rather crude and not called for. I wish you could take things back you send because I would have that one. I’m in a funky mood this afternoon and I don’t know where it came from really. I think the drama with my ex (if your in that loop) has my mental and emotional feelings on edge. I know that I seriously hurt someones feelings today even if they won’t admit it and I apologized for my tacky and tasteless reply but I’ve yet to hear a reply from any of my other texts. I’m really sick about this major fuckup. Today is the 1st day in a year I’ve gone dark. I know what the trigger was and it scares me because its something that will inedibly will happen again in the future. I guess I can only learn from this and hope that she replies with good news. Yard looks great and I’ve taken a long cold shower and cleaned up but have nowhere to go this evening. I’ll update if anything changes as of now I’m in a major funk and just want to sleep. THIS IS WHERE I NEED AMBIEN! Ugh I hate being off that drug so much right now I can’t just take 10 pills and go blank for 10-14hrs. I need an escape and I have nothing to escape to now. Thats sad really that I still crave a drug that screwed me up for so long and if I had the chance I’d spend $500 for a quick fix of 90 pills.
5pm- I got a reply telling me there is no reason to apologize but I already know from someone that knows us both that she was unhappy with my comment. I guess I will have to watch myself and as a friend told me “buy her chocolate”. At least now I know she’s not totally pissed at me I can take something and attempt to goto bed early maybe.
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