eyelid carcinoma T1 lab results.
Welcome to my world
So everyone knows I try to give most of my core friends a Birthday card.. This year I sent one that was to be delivered today but I found out that it was left behind and I couldn’t have that so… I called my Minon hotline and got a damn cake for him and his wife on their cruise. Only after he over thanked me I remember I never got a cake this year.. Nothing, because mom is dead and couldn’t bake me one or order it. Maybe I’ll be with her next birthday. Or some place the heat feels where they bake them. A
I made it to 2017 without dying. I’m very disappointed. I’m lost, My new years eve I worked 16 hours and my date skipped out to earn a few dollars. I would have payed Her to keep me from being at home alone with no mother or significant other. I need to find a drunk driver. Oh, my phone is offline.
Today I joined a coworker whom is in the same boat as myself to an extent and we saw Rouge One which is a solid Star Wars movie and had appetizers at a local restaurant that had room at the bar. We timed everything good except for a third person we had wanted to include had an overlap with remote family. The movie was great and food was filling with little to no wait for either. Was sitting here on a hill overlooking the west where soon a strong line of storms will be and remembering all the presents mom stored throughout the year under her bed. I’ve yet to breach that realm yet but remember that mom in Amarillo was our last movie theater date in 1999. Given technology and the Internet I no longer had to wait long for her to see whatever I downloaded that week. Now she went to see movies as recently as this spring with family in Ada where they show a movie drink and popcorn for $10. Mind you she was never spoiled by recliners and assigned seats or what we know know as the norm. Today could have been a bad day and I hope after this post it continues to be one of relaxed and lacks Christmas music. I hope my friend got the same effect as we struggle without our moms for the first Christmas. Now to maybe storm chase? Or maybe I’ll go curl up and finish a book or see what’s on Netflix.
This morning I gave mom’s Urn a hug and a silent prayer as I go back to bed. Lots of people offered for me to join their happy families but I’m not happy and it’s not going to rub off. I declined all offers except one where I am going to attempt to have breakfast with a coworker who’s in the same boat as myself. He is alone also for Christmas as his parents have passed. I can’t blame those who offered a place at their tables nor those who offered to spend the night have open presents. They mean we’ll and is a gracious act. I just can’t handle the emotions that come with it. Yesterday was 5 months without mom. This year’s Christmas is the toughest. Not only on me but Domino. I’ve realized since mom died she’s almost always nearby when I’m home. Ieave the door open for her to lay in the sun yet she comes and gets tangled in my dark room near my feet. If I’m baking a pizza she’s in the kitchen. It’s like she fears if she’s not watching me I’ll abandon her as I was. Yesterday ended the 5 months without a home made meal. Patrick had some chick pot pie and even tho it’s one of my least favorite things to eat I was able to pick through it. Not many have noticed I’ve been off Facebook for over a month and most don’t even know this blog exists unless they pay attention.
All I wanted was a way to forget my mom isn’t here this year and I wanted to work every shift. It seems my boss doesn’t like the idea and has placed me OFF WORK from the only safe place I know for the entire weekend. This may be the end fokes. Nail in the coffin. Not working has me sitting at home with moms Urn. It’s Christmas and a time to be thankful.. Guess I can’t be pleased. Forced to grieve and be mostly alone.
From FB: Today I realized I have a parachute above me and each of the components are my true friends. Without it, you drop to your death. However using each friend allows you to land safely no matter how turbulent things are.. Random JC wisdom.. I’ve yet to stop my free fall.. Screaming where nobody can hear you is the best kind of scream. ——- I had for almost a month absorbed myself in someone who is not the same mess I’m in but they are in bad shape and I was keeping myself occupied helping them till I guess they got sick of me and stopped communicating even when planned things… She vanished… She is a good distraction and I was trying to help her curb her issues but I assume I’m not capable… So as normal I gave up
So here’s how this works.. I’m a pretty damn good magician with medications.. When I take a risky dose I post.. Will this kill me, just make me over sleep.. Let’s see what the doctor ordered. 100mg Doxipin 1000mg Tylenol 40mg Propanal 2mg Halcyon 30mg remeron 4mg kolonipin 1mg xannax 100mg monodox Go team…